Chapter : Call Me Ahmad.

So my sister is getting married this Saturday and there are loads of things needed to be done. I took leave from work since Tuesday and only will be returning work on Wednesday, the 17th. Basically I’m her “driver” for the entire week till the wedding day itself. I brought her to do her make-up trial, pick her Australian friends up from the airport and brought them sight-seeing; send them back to the hotel, run some errands for my mom and many more. 

Attended my sister’s registration and have to wake up at 5 in the morning to get ready because my sister and I are sharing the room and there’s only one bathroom for us to share. My house is currently being occupied by my grandmother and godparents, they are here to help up with all the preparations that’s needed for the wedding.

Soon my entire relatives including nephews and nieces will be arriving and the entire house will be filled with noise and laughter. Once the wedding is over, the house will be quiet once again and my sister will officially “move” out of the house to stay with her husband. For the first time in years my sister will be able to celebrate Chinese New Year with the entire family though my dad and my youngest brother will be leaving to Australia on the 3rd day of Chinese New Year because my youngest brother will be studying there.

Then my sister and my other brother only be leaving on the 4th day of Chinese New Year and the house will only have my mom and I. It will be tough for my mom to endure the “loneliness” for a few months because she’s used to have my youngest brother around accompanying her everywhere. Hopefully my mom will finally find some hobbies to keep her occupied while I’m at work or meeting up with some friends and the boyfriend once in a while.

Till then, I will write a new post, probably slightly more detailed about the things that happened during the week of preparation to the wedding day itself. 

Who knew that there are so many things needed to be done? My dad said that it’s better to elope than to do all these preparations. He told me, “Ting, the next time when you want to get married, just elope. I will even provide the money for you. Less troublesome and I will save more!” You know, I actually thought it was a pretty decent idea, but would love to wear a wedding dress at least if I’m eloping or something. Just kidding, I will never elope..............right?

Chapter : Cooking Together for The First Time.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me because it was the first time the boyfriend and I decided to cook something together. The recipe of the day was Curry Chicken Katsu. The boyfriend prepared the Chicken Katsu while I cooked the Japanese Curry. Well, mine was an easy task to achieve whereas the boyfriend had quite a bit of steps to do...

His mom and aunt were curious to see what we were up too because according to his mom, the boyfriend rarely cooks so it was a surprise for her to see him on his own account, to go all out to prepare something and cook. He look like a little boy learning how to prepare his own meal, it was really a sight to see. Wished I could record it because he was asking his mom what to do or how to make it better that sort of thing. It was really a sight to see. 

I was watching the boyfriend marinating the chicken with pepper, salt and flour then covering it with beaten eggs and covering it with breadcrumbs then watching him frying it. He looked so serious with the task he was doing. He took the harder task from me whereas I just have to peel the potatoes and carrots and cut the onions. Then boil the potatoes and carrots until they are soft before frying them together in the pan with the onions. After frying them, then only I add water for it to boil before dunking in the instant Japanese curry paste into the broth. The only mistake I did was accidentally putting the corn starch straight into the mixture before diluting it with water. 

Everything turned out alright thought the boyfriend said that he wasn’t happy with his Chicken Katsu and hopefully next time he can make it better. Well, after all, there’s always a first time for everything. At least we can learn from our mistake and hope that we can make it better. But it was a lovely experience to cook something with the boyfriend and in hopes that we will try something else again together.

The only picture of our final masterpiece is with the boyfriend’s phone. See whether I can get the picture from him and post it up here. 

UPDATE!

The boyfriend gave me the picture of our "masterpiece". 

Chapter : Welcome the Year 2012.

New Year’s Eve 2011, I didn’t get to spend with the boyfriend. Instead I was back in my hometown because I had prayers for my late grandfather. Even though last year I did managed to spend it with the boyfriend, unfortunately, he was ill therefore he had to head back early and we didn’t get to do the countdown nor see the fireworks together. At least we managed to wish each other Happy New Year first before the clock strike 12 because we know that the lines will be jam by then. 

My New Year’s Eve was boring. There wasn’t anything to do, so I just sat at home, played some games on the iTouch and slept. When the clock struck 12, I heard fireworks, but I couldn’t see it. So I slept after that...the boyfriend called me to wish me Happy New Year but it was too noisy and he couldn’t hear me though I could hear him. The only noise I could hear in Malacca was motorcycles passing by honking.

How can I summarize up my 2011? A lot has happened within this year, a lot of sadness and happiness combined to make me the person I am today.

1. I have been working for a year.
2. I managed to complete my first freelance job.
3. Had my first vacation with the boyfriend
4. Missed out on my first group vacation with my girlfriends.
5. Planned a surprised birthday dinner for the boyfriend.
6. Had a lovely birthday celebration.
7. Spent karaoking until 4 am.
8. Met Sylvia’s boyfriend for the first time.
9. Was given a pair of white gold earrings for Christmas.
10. Made new friends and gotten closer to some of them unexpectedly.

I was never the type that would like to make New Year’s resolution because I know for a fact that I can never fulfil them. It’s like people making a resolution that they will lose weight and stuffs but never got to it in the end. I tried making some resolutions before but in the end I never get to them. Maybe I have achieved one out of the many and that’s about it. 

Let’s hope that this year would be another great year for me and to everyone else too.

Chapter : Christmas 2011

This year my Christmas was pretty...mundane. On Christmas eve, I spent my morning eating Bak Kut Teh with the family, then followed them to Subang Parade to do some shopping for my youngest brother because he’s running out of PROPER clothes. After that was a simple dinner and we went home afterwards. Then on Christmas day itself, went to church in the morning, my aunt, cousin and her husband dropped by for a visit and then we went for dinner afterwards. It was such a boring celebration for both days. Didn’t get to go to Shaun’s party after that too because it was too late so I just stayed at home and watched my Japanese dramas like a hopeless nerd. But it’s good to spend dinner with my family once in a while...I guess. 

Other than that, I got lovely Christmas presents this year, though it may not be many but its lovely nevertheless. I got a handmade item from Joey and surprisingly enough a pair of earrings from the boyfriend but it isn’t your typical ten bucks pair of earrings from any typical store but it’s from a PROPER jewelery store! Like a store that sold real gold and silvers! I was so shocked that when I received it from the boyfriend...he’s always doing things like this. 

First he will play mind tricks on you saying he will get pepper spray, steering lock or some funny items that would make you think that it would be useful but not suitable for a gift to someone. Then he will continue it for a while and it would stick inside your head thinking that he will be getting it for you. Then when the day comes he will say, “I got something for you! It’s small and cute.” And since it’s already planted in your head you automatically say, “It is pepper spray??” and he would laugh and replied, “No, I didn’t. Just wait, it’s a surprise!” Then you will start deducting what is small and cute that is sold which you would like. Then curiousity takes you over and you start to pester him what he actually bought for you but deep down you feel as though he really DID get pepper spray as a gift.

Then when you meet him you continued to pester him asking whether he got you pepper spray or a pen drive...then when he finally gave you the present and when you opened it you will be totally mind blown. Yes, that really did happen to me. I was mind blown...it’s the first time that a boyfriend gave me REAL jewelery...I mean I have received some fake earrings here and there but REAL jewelery? He’s the first. Now I feel bad for getting him a t-shirt. How in the world can I top REAL JEWELERY? I really should start planting a money tree so I could get him some mind blowing gift in the future. 

But sadly though, when he got me the present my ear-holes have closed up so I have to pierce them again. Just to wear the EARRINGS he got for me! Thank you for the lovely present my dear! I really didn’t expect that you would get me something so extravagant! And to Joey, even though you are so tight on money you still gave me an adorable Christmas gift, I love it SO MUCH! Thank you! 

Well, I hope that during the coming week I would be able to celebrate an early New Year’s Eve celebration because I wouldn’t be around on the eve of the New Year as I’m heading back to my hometown for some prayers for my late grandfather. 

Till then, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Chapter : Reaching my LIMIT.

I’m 24 years. You might think I’m all grown up having all the freedom in the world. In truth, I do not. These days I have been a big rebel. Barely seeing my own family, yes, I have been avoiding them. Why? It’s because it’s very stressful and pressurizing for me. I mean I understand that we are working and have our own little stress and stuffs but when I decide to join the family for dinner, please don’t pick on me. Please I know that you care about me but I just don’t want to be the main topic. 

For an example, a simple dinner with the family will be fine, then suddenly the mom would say whether you have done this and that for your sister’s wedding, or nagging that I’m always home late and my dad would be nagging that I never do my stretches for my back and stuffs. Yes, I know that you’re worried and stuffs but PLEASE, just leave me alone. I can’t have a PROPER conversation with any of you. For instance when I said I have a freelance job that was given by someone from work; you said what kind person is that giving freelance job. IT’S A JOB AND HE DOES IT TOO. THAT’S WHY HE GIVES IT TO ME. I’m getting paid, that’s all it matters.

I can’t hang out so late at night because I know it’s dangerous for me, but when the moment you’re having fun you just don’t know that time passes by so fast and when you look at your watch you will be shocked to see that it’s already so late. I’m always having fun with the boyfriend and my friends that I totally forget to check my cellphone for the time since I don’t wear a watch. I get told off for that. I understand, but I’m a big girl now, I know they are worried for my safety as every parent does, but are you going to be worried for me when I’m 30 years old too? I know that no matter how old I get I will always be your little girl. 

Maybe I should just leave on my own, share a room with someone. I have come to the point where I just want to do that. I never lived on my own before nor share a room with strangers. Run away and rent a place and survive with little money I have in my wallet. In my head maybe when I see my own parents less and I know when I reach home I won’t see them the next morning, I can treat them better. 

I mean, they have been leaving me alone the past few weeks but the moment a message arrive saying I have been back to my old routines and stuffs makes me upset. I barely come home at 4 in the morning these days. The latest I have been was 3 in the morning...nowadays, the latest I come home is 1 in the morning and my cousin on the other hand comes back at 2 in the morning and she DRIVES alone too. I just don’t get it. They complain that I’m not independent, but how am I supposed to be independent when you shelter me SO MUCH?

I get jealous whenever I see my friends staying over at other girlfriends’ place. I never get the chance to stay over at a girlfriend’s place spontaneously. I always have to come home. Whenever I try to ask permission to stay over at a friend’s place they would question “why do you have to go? Can’t they all come here? Why do you always have to cater to them?” I didn’t even want to say that my friends don’t feel the freedom when they are at my place. They feel UNCOMFORTABLE. I feel so bad. I mean they have stayed over before, but we can’t go ballistic and have fun like normal because they are afraid of disturbing the neighbours or my parents. So they mostly hang around in my room and sleep early and leave early the next morning. It’s sad. 

I’m reaching to a point where I really am conflicted with myself. I want to just break free from everything and just run away but deep down I know that I can never bring myself to do it because I know it will just make things worse. I just want them to understand, I’m only going to live once, if I’m going to be controlled and sheltered my entire life, I would regret in the future for never lived life to the fullest.

Have my parents forgotten that they were young once? Have they had no freedom then?

Chapter : Me

I want to be strong.


I want to be happy. 


I don't want to have a duty...


Why must everything be unfair? Facts of life, I know.


I want to run away and be alone.


On an island, without anyone.


Maybe that way, I will be happy.


A slight happiness I can never enjoy for it will be taken away from me.

I want to be left alone. 


Never need to answer to anyone.


I want to be selfish just once...I want to have everything.

Chapter : I'm being an Eeyore.

After watching 500 days of Summer, I cried. I cried shitloads. I actually don’t know why, maybe it reminded me of my past...or maybe I’m just PMS-y.

The boyfriend laughed when I was talking about feelings. Shit, when I started to talk about feelings? I thought I was very good at avoiding the talk about feelings. I know the feeling of being torn to pieces and being lied straight to my face. That’s why I hate talking about feelings. It reminds me of being vulnerable and naive. 

Do people like to hide things from me because they are afraid of seeing me hurt? If that’s the case, why bother doing things that would hurt me in the first place? It’s confusing.

I was telling the boyfriend that the show reminded me of this little saying;

Like a monkey hanging onto a tree branch before swinging onto another.

Not sure whether I’m getting it right or not...but it’s something to do with monkeys. Well the concept is like when someone is attached or attracted to someone, they will hold onto that particular someone until the attraction dies and finds another, probably better or more interesting, or maybe not. Who knows, it depends on the person’s preferences. 

After thinking back, it seems legit because I happened to be the victim of the “monkey branch” thing. Maybe it’s me; maybe it’s them, or both. I think it’s because of the movie I started crying because it reminded me of the past ...where this character named Summer was with this guy then played around with his feelings, left him and got herself married. Poor dude, got his heart broken after letting someone in. 

I have friends who did the “monkey branch” thing and they said that it’s normal. Whereas I’m like fuck that, I rather be the dumb monkey that misses the branch and falls down and slowly climb my way up the tree again. I don’t want to be the cause of killing someone’s heart. I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s depression. It’s not pretty. How in the world do they face themselves in the mirror everyday knowing that they have torn someone’s heart apart? Unless the person is also another “monkey branch” follower or the person has the heart of stone. 

Anyway, I was just talking to my boyfriend about it and I called him a heartless person and he laughed and said I’m being silly. I know I am but it just seems that way, just summarizing that all men are heartless bastards. They can con you and get into your heart, leaving a mark there and running away with another person in their arms. Well, I shouldn’t be all sexist on this because I do know that women does the same too...but just this once, I want to be a sexist little bitch. Men are heartless. 

The boyfriend was trying to cheer me up but I can’t seem to do so. He called me Eeyore, the little donkey from Winnie the Pooh that’s always depressed. I really feel like it too because I was so depressed over it that if I was a character from an anime, I would be sitting in the corner with a dark stormy cloud above my head where it’s constantly raining and I would be there growing mushrooms. 

I asked the boyfriend why he was laughing at me when I’m all teary and complaining about my feelings. He said that the things I complained are pretty silly things...or something like that along the lines. I’m think he said that I don’t make sense. He said that if the past still haunts me means I’m still not over it. Maybe it’s true but then again, I use my past as a reference for me not to be stupid again...but I think it’s too late to learn from it because stupidity isn’t something that you can be cured of.

Hopefully tomorrow I would wake up and the feeling of being an Eeyore would fade away unless I have mastered the art of masking my feelings.