Saturday, December 24, 2011

Chapter : Reaching my LIMIT.

I’m 24 years. You might think I’m all grown up having all the freedom in the world. In truth, I do not. These days I have been a big rebel. Barely seeing my own family, yes, I have been avoiding them. Why? It’s because it’s very stressful and pressurizing for me. I mean I understand that we are working and have our own little stress and stuffs but when I decide to join the family for dinner, please don’t pick on me. Please I know that you care about me but I just don’t want to be the main topic. 

For an example, a simple dinner with the family will be fine, then suddenly the mom would say whether you have done this and that for your sister’s wedding, or nagging that I’m always home late and my dad would be nagging that I never do my stretches for my back and stuffs. Yes, I know that you’re worried and stuffs but PLEASE, just leave me alone. I can’t have a PROPER conversation with any of you. For instance when I said I have a freelance job that was given by someone from work; you said what kind person is that giving freelance job. IT’S A JOB AND HE DOES IT TOO. THAT’S WHY HE GIVES IT TO ME. I’m getting paid, that’s all it matters.

I can’t hang out so late at night because I know it’s dangerous for me, but when the moment you’re having fun you just don’t know that time passes by so fast and when you look at your watch you will be shocked to see that it’s already so late. I’m always having fun with the boyfriend and my friends that I totally forget to check my cellphone for the time since I don’t wear a watch. I get told off for that. I understand, but I’m a big girl now, I know they are worried for my safety as every parent does, but are you going to be worried for me when I’m 30 years old too? I know that no matter how old I get I will always be your little girl. 

Maybe I should just leave on my own, share a room with someone. I have come to the point where I just want to do that. I never lived on my own before nor share a room with strangers. Run away and rent a place and survive with little money I have in my wallet. In my head maybe when I see my own parents less and I know when I reach home I won’t see them the next morning, I can treat them better. 

I mean, they have been leaving me alone the past few weeks but the moment a message arrive saying I have been back to my old routines and stuffs makes me upset. I barely come home at 4 in the morning these days. The latest I have been was 3 in the morning...nowadays, the latest I come home is 1 in the morning and my cousin on the other hand comes back at 2 in the morning and she DRIVES alone too. I just don’t get it. They complain that I’m not independent, but how am I supposed to be independent when you shelter me SO MUCH?

I get jealous whenever I see my friends staying over at other girlfriends’ place. I never get the chance to stay over at a girlfriend’s place spontaneously. I always have to come home. Whenever I try to ask permission to stay over at a friend’s place they would question “why do you have to go? Can’t they all come here? Why do you always have to cater to them?” I didn’t even want to say that my friends don’t feel the freedom when they are at my place. They feel UNCOMFORTABLE. I feel so bad. I mean they have stayed over before, but we can’t go ballistic and have fun like normal because they are afraid of disturbing the neighbours or my parents. So they mostly hang around in my room and sleep early and leave early the next morning. It’s sad. 

I’m reaching to a point where I really am conflicted with myself. I want to just break free from everything and just run away but deep down I know that I can never bring myself to do it because I know it will just make things worse. I just want them to understand, I’m only going to live once, if I’m going to be controlled and sheltered my entire life, I would regret in the future for never lived life to the fullest.

Have my parents forgotten that they were young once? Have they had no freedom then?

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