Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Chapter : Depressed?

Today seems to be a pretty depressing day…it started of with waking up early to head over to the old house to pack the left over things because the carpenters are coming on Wednesday to fix the cupboards and what not, so with the maid and myself, packing the things that I felt that my family would still want to keep and leaving out the rubbish such as old newspapers, magazines, old clothes and unusable items, I felt that it was pretty logical idea to do so. After a strenuous time climbing up and down the stairs, carrying boxes that weigh more then we do, carrying bags of plastics which are filled with things, we headed back home.

Resting in my own comfort zone, surfing the net and checking my mails, forums, journals and other things, I decided to do some tests which I found through a friend’s page. I did some carefree tests which don’t seem to be all that interesting to me but I did stumble upon this test where the title said “Are you depressed?” Thinking that I wouldn’t be a depressed person because I have my daily dosage of laughter and happy things surrounding me I casually did the test without much further ado. When the results came out, I was pretty surprised that I am 64% depressed. Even though it was stated there I am just slightly way more depressed then usual, or something like that, and I should seek professional help.

That actually got me thinking. Maybe I am depressed, hence the mood swings and eating disorders. I guess it is because I am too pressurized by my own parents and own things that I can’t even handle. My parents who seems to be throwing tasks and errands for me to do and even though I managed to complete it, they would still manage to find faults in me and I am always left helpless not to argue. Despite that, I still have my portfolio to worry and my own depressing self thinking that I am not worthy to be an artist or an animator. I remember my dad threatening me saying that if I continue acting this way (which I am wondering what kind of way am I acting now) he would take away my car, and will not give me any pocket money and to further add on, he would take away the computer and will leave me in my own room to rot. It actually seems pretty amusing to a certain extend because if he takes away my car, I would just walk to somewhere or beg a friend to pick me up (in order to run away?) and I don’t have any pocket money to begin with. If he takes away the computer, I will just call my friends or amuse myself with books that I have in my room. Well, I didn’t say that to my dad, what is the point of provoking him and cause more hell on my side?

On Sunday, I managed to hang out with Yuki and Joey at our usual hang out place which is at Centerpoint Mcd’s which seriously gotten me thinking that I been there way often then the toilet in my room. We have gotten into the conversation of horoscopes and birthdays. It is a very interesting topic to discuss and I find astrology an interesting subject to read about. Joey and Yuki pointed out that I am pretty much like my own horoscope which is Cancerian. They said that I am family oriented and also pretty much an emotional person. I agree with the emotional part but I wasn’t all too sure about the family oriented comment but when they pointed out the signs that I was showing or just normally act, I find it quite precise after all. For instance, they said that I will follow whatever my parents say regardless how will I suffer in the end. For an example (as quoted from Joey),
“Your dad tells you and your brothers that you shouldn’t on the air con because it is expensive, but your brothers doesn’t seem to care and still on it whereas you just quietly follow even though your room is burning hot.”

As quoted from Yuki, “Yeah, and some more like just now when your brother said that you have to send your youngest brother to Akido you just throw your temper but in the end still do it because you know that your parents asked you to do.”

I tried to defend myself by saying. “If I don’t do it, my dad will hit me…of course I do it right?”

“Well, you can rebel if you want. If they want to hit, let them hit. Like me, I don’t give a shit about what my parents say last time and true even though I am afraid of pain, I still don’t give a damn and let them hit me.” Joey replied.

When both of them pointed this out, I was pretty much surprised that I am way much more family oriented than I think! I guess I can’t run away from my own destiny after all. I found out that I am pretty much a Cancerian way deeper than I thought I should, I found out that I am depressed when I have the mindset that I am not depressed at all and also I found out that my life is having a big major turnover meaning that it is going down in the pits. I wonder what will happen next. I am afraid to find out…

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Chapter : Graduation Night and the Inner Thoughts

Yesterday was my graduation night. Well, technically it is the night where I officially graduate. You know, with the robes and all. I picked up Beatrice from her house and then we set off to Sheraton Hotel located at Subang. At first I thought that I was really late because I was supposed to be there by 2pm but eventually it seems that I wasn’t that late after all. I keep forgetting that Malaysian time is pretty elastic, which means that if it stated 2pm it would start WAY later.

After I took the robes and what not, I met up with Kelsie and Sylvia who was already there earlier on and then I dragged both of them (with Beatrice of course) to the toilet to do their makeup. It was quite hard to do makeup under the yellow light because you can’t see much of anything. But I did manage to add some colours to their eyelids to make them much fresher (?). The time that we spent in the toilet was pretty long because I was doing Kelsie’s and Sylvia’s makeup. I am not a professional makeup artist so I felt that I did their makeup really badly.

After putting on the makeup, then it was time for us to wear the robes. I was wearing a M sized and I honestly tell you, I looked like a mini Jedi from Star Wars. Then Beatrice told me that digital animation batch was purple in colour which surprised me because my gown was purple and so was my makeup. Talk about coincidence. After we put on our robes, we head out from the toilet and met up with our fellow digital animation friends. Some of them just arrived and some of them were putting on their robes too and we occasionally helped them with their robes. The funniest thing was that the little board that we wear doesn’t fit well on our heads but it fits really well on the guys’ heads. So it is proven that they have big heads.

Then with a lot of commotion because the time for our graduation march is bound to be started, I saw some people just arrived on the spot and hurried to grab their robes and hastily put them on because we were told to be waiting at the reception area by 3.30pm. When all of have fixed our hats and robes, we headed down to the reception area. With laughter and jokes surrounding the digital animation batch, we headed there. We felt as though we were marching there because we were heading to the reception area in a group. When we reached there, we saw some parents arriving and already starting to take some pictures.

Few hours later, more people arrived and the rest of the other majors came. Cameras were flashing, laughter was erupting, and people were cheering and playing around. The feeling there made me felt that I was in college again except from the existence of the camera people taking random pictures of us. I managed to get some few pictures thanks to Yuki’s camera which I borrowed. I may upload the pictures later, I suppose. The commotion at the reception area was getting noisier since most of the students have arrived with their family or friends.

By 4pm, we were ushered to line up according to majors. It was pretty amusing to see the administrators holding the board stating the majors such as “Digital Animation, Illustration, Advertising, Interior Design and Multimedia”. It felt as though we were primary school kids that need guidance to our classes. Upon lining up, we actually waited there for an hour and half. By the time we actually went into the room, our legs were tired and we were sweaty because the evening sun wasn’t all that nice to us and was shining its heat upon us causing us to sweat under those heavy robes.

Then after the arrival of our lecturers and principal, then the speech from the principal, our batch president and batch 45’s president, it was time for the diploma taking thing. I don’t know how to explain that part though. But it was pretty simple because we just go up the stage and receives our diploma then we head down again. After we received out diplomas, then it was the dean awards and some competition awards. Then finally we can sit down and eat with our family or friends.

Most of the time I wasn’t at the table because I wanted to take some memorable pictures before I finally leave them for good. Thankfully we managed to get some pictures with our digital animation lecturers and classmates. We were the only group that actually went out from the hall just to take some random pictures. Then later on the rest of some other majors decided to come out and take some pictures too. There were some performances from our college juniors and as I remembered one lecturer who sang REALLY well. Nice voice, maybe he should consider going into singing instead of teaching multimedia.

Once in a while I went back into the hall to grab something to eat and took some pictures with my parents and siblings. Then after everything, the graduation night ended around 9 something pm which was really early. Maybe it isn’t a normal prom-ish thing where everyone gets to dance and such. Some of us decided to hang out after that which we did, at Sunway Pyramid Starbucks. The people who were present there were me, Beatrice, Sylvia, Chih Lun, Seen Hor, Woah Chin (I think that’s the spelling for her name), Wei Jae, Moon Liang, Terrence and two of our lecturers Vincent and Jason. Then the junior batch digital animators who graduated with us too joined us.

We talked, laughed and joked around for quite sometime and then we headed home. I dropped Sylvia and Beatrice back home and then I went to Centerpoint Mcd’s to hang out some more. Unfortunately Yuki went home early so it was left with Foong, Ben and I forgot his name again. It didn’t last that long either because I reached home around 1am. Then I went and played a few rounds of my online game and then I went to bed. The next day, which is today I woke up early just for family breakfast.

To make matters worse, I feel that my left eye power has gotten higher because I can’t see clearly with my glasses. Everything is in a blur and I really afraid that if the power goes any higher, I would be blind. That is what I am afraid of. Anyway, on with some personal issues…

I feel that I won’t be able to complete my portfolio anytime soon because I feel that I am not talented at all. True, I get the chance to further my studies and some would be envious due to the fact that some can’t even further their studies at all. It would be easier for me to complete my portfolio if I have the confidence with my works. Knowing that my skills in art is below average feels as though that I am not qualified to even pass and graduate from college or worse, not right to be in this course. Yeah, I have to get up my arse and complete my portfolio, but with what confidence? When I see my own friends drawing such beautiful works, I feel envious. Though they always tell me, that I can draw and all I need is practice but I feel so outcast from the artistic world. I never felt so untalented. Maybe I should just pursue another career I kept saying to myself.

I have tried my hardest to produce high quality works to add onto my portfolio but it isn’t to the universities standard. Throughout my time in college, my drawing skills were never strong. I am mostly based on 3d animating or just doing some minor editing. I never had a strong platform in my artistic sense and it is a wonder how I managed to pass all my subjects. It is pretty hard to for me to actually take up the pencil and draw when I know that the outcome would just be bad. I thank those who kept supporting me and giving their comments on my work but maybe I am just pulling myself down. Who knows that I won’t be an animator after this? I am not sure about my career path at times.

Pressured from parents to apply for universities, and yet I can’t tell them that the daughter of theirs isn’t fit to be an animator. I can’t tell them that their daughter can’t draw high quality works to compile into her portfolio. They have no idea how hard that I am trying. They keep thinking that I am online watching youtube videos or movies or just procrastinating around. I am always thinking about my portfolio, and when am I suppose to apply. I really want to complete my portfolio. I really want to further my studies. But the problem is how? With my talent, I know that I would never get in. I know that my friends will assure me that I will get in or if I never tried, how would I know that I won’t.

I really don’t know at times whether I am cut out to be an animator now. Maybe I should just work for my mom and take over her business later or something…Who knows.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Chapter : New Hair Cut

These days I barely update my journal. Anyway, a little update to keep time passing by and letting people know what exactly I have been up too. Most of the times that I spent were with Joey and Yuki drinking or technically hanging out at McDonalds’ either talking about everything under the one sun or just stoning around playing card games. It is pretty fun when we hang out there doing nothing but talking and cracking up jokes from time to time. You see many kinds of people over there where some of them are studying or just like us, hanging out. I have been so hooked onto these sort of life to the extend that if I don’t have a day like that I would feel really bored.

Continuing my little story, I was forced to come home early today because my dad was making a lot of noise because of my routine. I can’t help it if I really like hanging out with them though it is pretty unhealthy because of the cigarette smokes or the constant refills of coke or just eating the food there. I hope that I can lose a few kg just in time for my graduation night which is just the following week. I can’t believe that time passes by so fast. To top it off, I have cut my long hair to a short sort of layered looking bob. I really like my old hairstyle because it was really easy to maintain because I don’t really spend much time on it. I also like my new hairstyle now but it is hard to maintain it because I have to make sure that the layered style I have on my hair doesn’t curl the wrong way and therefore making look as though I have “bed-hair”.

On the other note, my portfolio isn’t looking so much on the brighter side and now I have to really put my mind into it and set datelines for myself in order to complete my portfolio but not at the moment because now I am just typing an entry to update things that happened for the pass few weeks. I will work on the datelines thing when I am much more awake and not so blur. My mom bought me the perfect shoes to match my evening gown which I am sure that I am going to take pictures of during the graduation night itself. On the day itself when I bought my shoes, I also bought another dress which Joey who was with me and my mom that day thought that I looked really sweet in it and then started to plan the ways of dressing me up with that dress itself.

She said that I should wear that dress during my birthday which is not so far away to begin with. She said that on my birthday I should dress myself up like that and go clubbing with a bunch of our close friends and just let loose. That is the only thing which I am actually agreeing to it because I may not know whether I am able to celebrate my 21st birthday here in Malaysia next year. I hope that I am able to celebrate it though with them because it just makes life much more fun and memorable.

My mind isn’t really working anymore, I should better off head to bed since I slept very little the day before and I think when I wake up and read this entry I would wonder why in the world did I force myself to type one silly entry to update on things that happen in my life.