Today seems to be a pretty depressing day…it started of with waking up early to head over to the old house to pack the left over things because the carpenters are coming on Wednesday to fix the cupboards and what not, so with the maid and myself, packing the things that I felt that my family would still want to keep and leaving out the rubbish such as old newspapers, magazines, old clothes and unusable items, I felt that it was pretty logical idea to do so. After a strenuous time climbing up and down the stairs, carrying boxes that weigh more then we do, carrying bags of plastics which are filled with things, we headed back home.
Resting in my own comfort zone, surfing the net and checking my mails, forums, journals and other things, I decided to do some tests which I found through a friend’s page. I did some carefree tests which don’t seem to be all that interesting to me but I did stumble upon this test where the title said “Are you depressed?” Thinking that I wouldn’t be a depressed person because I have my daily dosage of laughter and happy things surrounding me I casually did the test without much further ado. When the results came out, I was pretty surprised that I am 64% depressed. Even though it was stated there I am just slightly way more depressed then usual, or something like that, and I should seek professional help.
That actually got me thinking. Maybe I am depressed, hence the mood swings and eating disorders. I guess it is because I am too pressurized by my own parents and own things that I can’t even handle. My parents who seems to be throwing tasks and errands for me to do and even though I managed to complete it, they would still manage to find faults in me and I am always left helpless not to argue. Despite that, I still have my portfolio to worry and my own depressing self thinking that I am not worthy to be an artist or an animator. I remember my dad threatening me saying that if I continue acting this way (which I am wondering what kind of way am I acting now) he would take away my car, and will not give me any pocket money and to further add on, he would take away the computer and will leave me in my own room to rot. It actually seems pretty amusing to a certain extend because if he takes away my car, I would just walk to somewhere or beg a friend to pick me up (in order to run away?) and I don’t have any pocket money to begin with. If he takes away the computer, I will just call my friends or amuse myself with books that I have in my room. Well, I didn’t say that to my dad, what is the point of provoking him and cause more hell on my side?
On Sunday, I managed to hang out with Yuki and Joey at our usual hang out place which is at Centerpoint Mcd’s which seriously gotten me thinking that I been there way often then the toilet in my room. We have gotten into the conversation of horoscopes and birthdays. It is a very interesting topic to discuss and I find astrology an interesting subject to read about. Joey and Yuki pointed out that I am pretty much like my own horoscope which is Cancerian. They said that I am family oriented and also pretty much an emotional person. I agree with the emotional part but I wasn’t all too sure about the family oriented comment but when they pointed out the signs that I was showing or just normally act, I find it quite precise after all. For instance, they said that I will follow whatever my parents say regardless how will I suffer in the end. For an example (as quoted from Joey),
“Your dad tells you and your brothers that you shouldn’t on the air con because it is expensive, but your brothers doesn’t seem to care and still on it whereas you just quietly follow even though your room is burning hot.”
As quoted from Yuki, “Yeah, and some more like just now when your brother said that you have to send your youngest brother to Akido you just throw your temper but in the end still do it because you know that your parents asked you to do.”
I tried to defend myself by saying. “If I don’t do it, my dad will hit me…of course I do it right?”
“Well, you can rebel if you want. If they want to hit, let them hit. Like me, I don’t give a shit about what my parents say last time and true even though I am afraid of pain, I still don’t give a damn and let them hit me.” Joey replied.
When both of them pointed this out, I was pretty much surprised that I am way much more family oriented than I think! I guess I can’t run away from my own destiny after all. I found out that I am pretty much a Cancerian way deeper than I thought I should, I found out that I am depressed when I have the mindset that I am not depressed at all and also I found out that my life is having a big major turnover meaning that it is going down in the pits. I wonder what will happen next. I am afraid to find out…