Chapter : Life Crisis?

Currently typing an entry at such odd hour...slept for a while and then I just couldn’t sleep anymore. Guess I have a lot of things going through my head these days, influencing me mentally, emotionally and physically. 

I feel like I’m going through some life crisis but I do not want to admit that I’m in it. I’m worried about my career path, my life and my future. Everything now seems so bleak. I guess I’m slowly learning the hard way of growing up. It’s kind of hard coming from a person who was sheltered and spoon-fed throughout her entire life.

I guess some could tell that something’s up with me. But as usual, being the person that I am, I always try to hide it. I was never the serious one. I’m always taking things as it goes, always laughing and not bothered about anything. But as you grow older, your responsibility grows bigger and you have to start growing up. Guess it’s time for me to start now....one step at a time and in hopes that I will have some guide to lead me the way.

People said that I’m a daddy’s or mommy’s girl because everything I answer, “I don’t know my parents said so or don’t know; I have to ask my parents...” Everything I do have to ask my parents. Well, I guess I take them to be my "life-guide" counselor because they are older and wiser but my parents are funny people. At times they will tell me the reason why, at times they don't. But these days, they do explain the reason why but was given some strict rules on what I should expose (Sounds like I have a lot of dark secrets) but please bear with me here. 

I remembered one college mate said to me, “Jessie, you’re actually a very good girl. You listen to your parents from head to toe. You try to be a bad ass, but you’re actually not.” And during that time, I was having a lot of arguments with my parents but I still obeyed their rules. Even my best friend, Joey said the same thing. Well, I guess it’s because it’s the way I brought up...

At times I will sit in my own little world, wondering what the future holds for me. But at this point now, all I see is just plain blur. The world is changing, people are changing, I’m not 18 anymore and I do know what responsibilities I have to bear. I can see my dad is slowly training me to take on the responsibilities given because like I have said, I’m the sheltered one...the biggest responsibilities was given to my elder sister and to my 21 year old brother at such young age. My sister have to bear showing a good example, being thrown all sort of things regarding about family, learning how to handles things when my parents are not around and many more. That’s why she is who she is today. As for my brother, my dad have never once let him live easy. Being tossed into a tough primary school, drilling that he has to be the man in the family or have to take the lead if anything goes wrong and exposing him to the outside world.

Unfortunately for me, I was given a small responsibility such as, be a good daughter, make sure get good grades, don’t fight with your sister and all those teeny little bits that anyone could handle while growing up. Now as I’m older, I’m learning about mortgages, bank loans, investments, bills, insurance, learning how to handle the family, basically tips on how to survive in this harsh and cruel world. It’s a lot to take in, but I’m trying my very best. At times I feel envious of my siblings because they managed to get these responsibilities at such young age to mould them to be who they are today whereas, I’m always being casted aside. It hurts at times, not knowing what’s happening in the family even though you’re the second eldest yet treated like one of the youngest. 

I remember my sister getting into an argument with my parents how they sheltered me, while she has to bear the responsibilities. I was pretending to be asleep that time but boy did I cry. Imagine sharing the room with your sister while she is having a heated argument with your parents in exact same room while eavesdropping and holding back tears or noise so they wouldn’t know that you’re listening or thinking that you’re a heavy sleeper. Because deep down you know that whatever your sister said is true. 

I know I’m not perfect. Nobody is...I’m juggling all these things together while trying to hold myself together. I may look like I’m not taking things seriously or not able to sit down and think it thoroughly but I do...maybe it’s just the way how I take things that make people think I’m not being serious. I’m always willing to learn to become a better and more responsible person. I admit, I’m stubborn and naive and always reverting to my old self, but I can’t change overnight. I’m taking small baby steps to grow and learn...we never stop learning as we grow. There are always new things out there that you do not know...my dad once said to me, "I know my faults and it’s hard for me to change, but I’m doing my best to change it and you have to bear with me. I know I’m not perfect, nobody is. If anyone is perfect, they would be a God."

Hey, who said life was easy?

Chapter : First Blood Donation

Few days ago, there was a blood donation drive happening just nearby my office. Then I have decided to donate some of my blood for the very first time. Well, I always wanted to donate some blood but before this I was always underweight. But now since I’m in the normal weight zone, I’m able to do so.

I went to the donation drive with two of my colleague, C and CY. Unfortunately, CY was under some Chinese medicine to treat his long time injury so he was not suitable to donate some blood. C on the other hand, her blood lack iron and she was the one who initiated to donate some blood. So C and CY had no choice but to keep my company while I wait for my turn to be poked by the needle...

Once it was my turn, the nurse injected some pain killer thing to numb my entire hand or veins before planting the huge ass needle with the bag...I have no idea what is it called. Then she passed me some PVC pipe (she said it wasn’t but it really looked like one) and asked me to keep on pressing it. While filling up the bag, I was talking to my colleague and laughing at the same time. C kept on joking, “Jessie! Hurry up! Pump faster!!! I got work to do!” So I did. 

Within minutes I filled up the bag and was done. The guy next to me was shocked that I filled up the bag so fast. After the nurse pulled out the needle, she asked me to rest for ten minutes before standing up or do anything. So I sat there watching my blood bag being packed properly by some other male nurses who were watching some Youtube videos. After ten minutes, I was asked to eat something in the next room but instead I chose to drink hot Milo.

It was a great experience for me and I wouldn’t mind donating blood again. The arm that was used to donate blood currently has some bruises which looked as though I’m some drug addict...but I'm so proud of myself!

When is the next blood donation drive?

Chapter : Mother's Day Ideas?

Since I’m pretty “hardworking” in updating my blog, I shall do another post. 

Mother’s Day is coming up and I haven’t been the greatest daughter. I haven’t been at home to dine with her nor talk with her. But the thing is, being the black sheep of the family kind of put you in that sort of...rank, you know? My almost all perfect sister or my all-rounder brother, but I can’t say for the youngest because he being the youngest makes him my mom’s precious child. So I’m pretty used to not getting any form of attention and now I have to give attention and was given some attention makes me feel trapped. Well, I do not know how to say it in words...but I do hope you get my meaning. 

I guess I’m the kind of individual that works better with strangers than family. I do love and care of them dearly just that I do not show it. I tried to show it but in the end it just feels awkward. Anyway, I tried to get my mom a gift and with my measly pay I’m getting at work, I can’t afford a lot of things. At first I saw this offer for a facial massage but my mom said that she does not trust products that she has never heard off because she has sensitive skin. Then I tried to get a mani and pedi session but she too does not want because of some “unforeseen” reasons. 

But she did say that she will inform me of what she wants later to me. I do hope it is something within my budget because recently this week I have been spending a lot just on parking alone because my usual parking spot was close for the week and they didn’t inform me! I was pretty upset with them so I had to park at this expensive place for the week. If they do not open again on Monday I would start taking the public transport. Anyway, I think my mom would wants to spend some time with me since I haven’t been doing at all for the past few months. 

Well, once in a while I would go out dinner with her or eat dinner at home with her but the thing is that we have nothing much to talk about. Unlike my sister who is a pharmacist, she gets to meet interesting people every single day and my brother who is still studying in Australia would probably have some interesting news to share. Unlike me, I face the computer every single day and never have the chance of seeing something that would interest my mom. Imagine me telling her, “Ma, did you know today on Reddit I read that Savannah cats has the loyalty like canines?” 

Seriously.

I could imagine her reply, “I don’t like cats. I don’t like animals.” Unless I start talking about Korean shows that interests her but there’s just a small problem. I haven’t been watching any! I think my mom is more up to date with the latest Korean series compared to me. How am I supposed to top that? Stream a shit load of past Korean series at work and watch it at one go just to strike a conversation? Damn, that’s desperate. Maybe I am. 

Well, I guess the only solution I could think of is bringing her and my youngest brother out for dinner and probably ask my godmom along too. But I’m open to any ideas for Mother’s Day gifts and please don’t tell me handmade cards because I have given her a shit load of cards growing up. I think she keeps them in a box somewhere collecting dust. My dad does it too...keeping handmade cards that his children made and gave to him.

So suggestions anyone?

Chapter : Wordpress vs. Blogspot.

My life is not that interesting these days. I haven’t been stuck in the lift. I haven’t seen a cow jumping over the moon. I haven't strike a lottery. It’s pretty mundane. Just realized that my blog is now four years old! Surprisingly that I have managed to keep updating my blog from time to time......at times with such long hiatus to the point where I feel that I shouldn’t be having a blog...but nevertheless still remember the existence of this boring blog and try to post things from time to time. 

I was only thinking whether I should switch my blog from Blogspot to Wordpress since my colleague said that it’s easier for her to teach me some basic coding or help me to customize my blog. I tried customizing my blog ONCE and then I quickly revert back to my old design because it takes a lot of effort to change the colours of the font back to BLACK or making sure the pictures that I have doesn’t run out of place...that sort of thing.

But at the same time, I feel that I do not want to switch because I have been using Blogspot for FOUR YEARS! That’s a lot of years! Even my relationships doesn’t last that long. Pathetic example, I know but it’s the truth! Not only that, the fact that it would take a lot of time and effort to migrate my things from here to there or probably regret of switching. 

I have heard that people prefer Wordpress over Blogspot in terms of customization and user-friendliness. Some people like the design better. Some people like the name better. I don’t know, just rambling shit out since I can’t sleep. 

But what do you think? Wordpress vs. Blogspot. Which would you choose?