Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Chapter : Life Crisis?

Currently typing an entry at such odd hour...slept for a while and then I just couldn’t sleep anymore. Guess I have a lot of things going through my head these days, influencing me mentally, emotionally and physically. 

I feel like I’m going through some life crisis but I do not want to admit that I’m in it. I’m worried about my career path, my life and my future. Everything now seems so bleak. I guess I’m slowly learning the hard way of growing up. It’s kind of hard coming from a person who was sheltered and spoon-fed throughout her entire life.

I guess some could tell that something’s up with me. But as usual, being the person that I am, I always try to hide it. I was never the serious one. I’m always taking things as it goes, always laughing and not bothered about anything. But as you grow older, your responsibility grows bigger and you have to start growing up. Guess it’s time for me to start now....one step at a time and in hopes that I will have some guide to lead me the way.

People said that I’m a daddy’s or mommy’s girl because everything I answer, “I don’t know my parents said so or don’t know; I have to ask my parents...” Everything I do have to ask my parents. Well, I guess I take them to be my "life-guide" counselor because they are older and wiser but my parents are funny people. At times they will tell me the reason why, at times they don't. But these days, they do explain the reason why but was given some strict rules on what I should expose (Sounds like I have a lot of dark secrets) but please bear with me here. 

I remembered one college mate said to me, “Jessie, you’re actually a very good girl. You listen to your parents from head to toe. You try to be a bad ass, but you’re actually not.” And during that time, I was having a lot of arguments with my parents but I still obeyed their rules. Even my best friend, Joey said the same thing. Well, I guess it’s because it’s the way I brought up...

At times I will sit in my own little world, wondering what the future holds for me. But at this point now, all I see is just plain blur. The world is changing, people are changing, I’m not 18 anymore and I do know what responsibilities I have to bear. I can see my dad is slowly training me to take on the responsibilities given because like I have said, I’m the sheltered one...the biggest responsibilities was given to my elder sister and to my 21 year old brother at such young age. My sister have to bear showing a good example, being thrown all sort of things regarding about family, learning how to handles things when my parents are not around and many more. That’s why she is who she is today. As for my brother, my dad have never once let him live easy. Being tossed into a tough primary school, drilling that he has to be the man in the family or have to take the lead if anything goes wrong and exposing him to the outside world.

Unfortunately for me, I was given a small responsibility such as, be a good daughter, make sure get good grades, don’t fight with your sister and all those teeny little bits that anyone could handle while growing up. Now as I’m older, I’m learning about mortgages, bank loans, investments, bills, insurance, learning how to handle the family, basically tips on how to survive in this harsh and cruel world. It’s a lot to take in, but I’m trying my very best. At times I feel envious of my siblings because they managed to get these responsibilities at such young age to mould them to be who they are today whereas, I’m always being casted aside. It hurts at times, not knowing what’s happening in the family even though you’re the second eldest yet treated like one of the youngest. 

I remember my sister getting into an argument with my parents how they sheltered me, while she has to bear the responsibilities. I was pretending to be asleep that time but boy did I cry. Imagine sharing the room with your sister while she is having a heated argument with your parents in exact same room while eavesdropping and holding back tears or noise so they wouldn’t know that you’re listening or thinking that you’re a heavy sleeper. Because deep down you know that whatever your sister said is true. 

I know I’m not perfect. Nobody is...I’m juggling all these things together while trying to hold myself together. I may look like I’m not taking things seriously or not able to sit down and think it thoroughly but I do...maybe it’s just the way how I take things that make people think I’m not being serious. I’m always willing to learn to become a better and more responsible person. I admit, I’m stubborn and naive and always reverting to my old self, but I can’t change overnight. I’m taking small baby steps to grow and learn...we never stop learning as we grow. There are always new things out there that you do not know...my dad once said to me, "I know my faults and it’s hard for me to change, but I’m doing my best to change it and you have to bear with me. I know I’m not perfect, nobody is. If anyone is perfect, they would be a God."

Hey, who said life was easy?


churleng said...

Life is never easy and we never really understand our parents at this age. Perhaps when we are older we are able to see where they are coming from. I also admit parents tend to be overprotective and may be insensitive to our needs. What would be good is to both parties walk a mile in each other's shoes. Having said that one thing is certain our parents love us. I love you too.

alwizhyper said...

thank you aunty helen! :) if that is possible, i wouldnt mind taking that path. walk a mile in each other's shoes and understand what is going through their heads. what worries that have. what problems are they suffering.

i know that my parents love us. if not why would they always worry about us? if they dont, they would already have chucked us aside and be on our own.

i love you too! xoxoxo

churleng said...

I am glad to hear you say that. It shows you are growing up! We should leave our children to make their own mistakes and be wiser. But being parents we dont like to see our kids fall so we always try to put out the safety net for them. HEHEHEHE! When are we going out together just you and me???

alwizhyper said...

well like they say, you'll never know till you have a kid of your own. that i understand. :)

hahaha, dont know yet! i want to go shopping. but need to save money. :(

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

It's called "Quater Life Crisis" and it is a bitch.

alwizhyper said...

Yes I know. Sucks to have it. :(