Sunday, June 1, 2008

Chapter : Loneliness

It is really late and I couldn’t sleep at all because I had a long nap at the wrong time. I think if I’m not mistaken, I took my nap around 4 something in the afternoon and I woke up just in time to help my house mate preparing dinner. I feel so lethargic these few days and I don’t really know the reason why. Partially it is because I have been staying up late to complete my assignments because the datelines are due and half of it is I just don’t know the reason why. I tend to sleep way often than usual. I do stay up late doing work but then the next day I would just take my naps either way too long or too often. For instance, I would sleep around in the afternoon and wake up to take my bath and just go back to sleep again. I feel like a pig whenever I do that but I couldn’t help myself because my eyes tend to close against my will.

I am supposed to be happy because it is my 7th anniversary with my boyfriend but I am trying to pick a fight with him on his smoking habits. I guess something is wrong with me these few days. I am trying to find every single reason to be upset with my boyfriend even though he has been trying so hard to be there for me. Though I have to admit that he wasn’t there when I needed him the most and I can’t blame him because well, I can’t expect him to be there all the time. Eventually, I have learnt to handle things my own way, taking the stress and problems into my own account and trying to work things out by myself.

I guess one of the reasons I’m picking a fight with him about his smoking habits is because I tend to have certain “qualities” in my boyfriend? I’m not too sure about myself because I remember saying that I wouldn’t date someone who is younger or who smokes but yet the irony is that I am dating someone who is younger than me and who smokes. I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on him on that account because he started smoking before he met me and forcing him to quit abruptly would just cause him to retaliate and I don’t want that to happen. But in the end, I would just have to give up. I’m getting tired telling him to stop smoking or to stop drinking. I worry so much. I care too much yet I know he stills does it. In the end, I have to let it go. Let him do whatever he wants.

I think all these months spending my days alone have turned me really numb. I’m afraid that I will forget what’s like to hang out with people. What does it feel like to actually be with people I could just sit down and let go. I’m beginning to forget these feelings. Turning down invitations to hang out with friends because of assignments or sometimes just so I could be in front of the computer hoping to see my own boyfriend online. Have I become that lonely I wonder myself? I really don’t know. Half of my time is spend wandering in the library looking for books to read or walking around the mall looking at clothes which I know that I wouldn’t be able to get because I have to save money. Sitting down in the food court and eating alone while reading the book that I have borrowed and observing my surroundings seeing people either with friends, loved ones or families.

I guess I have to learn to stop crying. Learn to be numb to the point that I will not cry. Learn not to be hurt. At least this way, I wouldn’t have to cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning with swollen eyes. At least I could face the day with a bright cheerful face without having to fake it. I’m getting tired with myself. I’m getting tired with loneliness. I’m getting tired with crying. Less than 29 days before I return, but during that 29 days what will become of me? How many nights have I cried myself to sleep? How many nights I have longed to be kissed? How many nights do I have to spend my nights alone in front of the computer longing to look at the person I love yet he isn’t there? At times I regret furthering my studies because, if I didn’t come here, I wouldn’t be facing these problems. I guess tonight is another night where my pillow is wet from my tears.


Eu Jin said...

I apologize for hanging up earlier sweetie, I was out of ideas and I couldn't help but feel hopeless whenever I see tears start to form in your beautiful eyes. I understand the stress you've been going through these few months, but all I can say is that we'll have to wait it out till you're back here for good. I know smoking is bad for me, and that you're only asking me to stop for my own good. But it's hard letting go of bad habits and I assure you that I am trying my best to kick it. I have been drastically slowing down, only taking a puff whenever I'm with my clique. But besides that, you can hardly, no, you would never see me smoking alone just because 'I have the urge to'. I know you're worried about my health with the smoking and drinking, baby, but I know what am I doing and I will never ever drink irresponsibly and get myself wasted while harming my health at the same time. Once again, I know you're only doing this for my best interest, but baby, I can make decisions for myself and I hope you would respect that. I love you, don't get me wrong, I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time. At times I still think this is too good to be true, me and you. This is incredible. I love you so much, and I hope we could put this behind us, I don't want to fight, I don't want to make you sad, I want to be there for you and see that smile on your face, yes, I'm going to be there for you when you come home so you would long to be kissed no more. This might not be the best anniversary, but let's make this the worst. Happy Anniversary, Wifey.

Anonymous said...

I know how it feels like or wat you're going through Jesc since I've been through this kind of situation with Joe as well.Me and Joe kinda talked things out when we came across something like this and both of us try to make things work. I guess all you need is understanding. I'm not sure if I'm the right person to say this out loud but do you remember Maffy (Insomey)? She actually had a long distance relationship(LDR) just recently with another army guy and within 2 weeks they kinda broke off. She didn't really mentioned the exact reason but it seems like they kept picking up fights by saying each others fault or take out their stress on each other. I'm glad me and joe manage to get through that and I do hope you and Jin will be able to go through this barrier as well. Don't tell Maffy that I told you that though >.<"
Anywayz Happy 7th Anniversary to both of you ♥


.Jovial. said...

hey tingting, i tend to have that kinda lonely syndrome when jialong was in kk. i was really lonely and i had to take the train back and purposely go online just to see if he 's online or not. i hated the life, i hated my assignments as well, but no matter what we must still hold on because thats where the commitment comes from - ldr, you must really learn from it. come on from 132 days to 29, and you want to give up? isn't that a big waste? right now, its your assignments thats stressing you up, making you think nonsense, and simply picking up a fight with boyfy..we have our mood swings so, just hope the boyfy will bear with it.
jialong and i still want to come for your birthday party, eagerly seeing you and jinsie together okay? kangin kangin kangin ftw!
cheer up ting ting..we always love you, we do seriously :)
and of course, jinsie loves you so very very much. I know and i can guarantee it with my life.

it's my 10th month anniversary today. 1st thats our date. yup. and more to come from us, and from you and jinsie too..

hugies you.

Ashleigh said...

Hey dear! It's normal for you to miss him and feel lonely. I get cranky and all emotional when I don't see Bal for a week or more. The most I see him is twice a month, even though we're in the same country because of work and busy schedules.

Bal & I have reached the 3rd year landmark in February but we still haven't found the time to properly celebrate it! And we fight at least 2 or 3 times a week over the phone. We have blazing rows, not small bickers. So, relax, this quarrel will be the one of the many, babe. =D