Chapter : Loneliness

It is really late and I couldn’t sleep at all because I had a long nap at the wrong time. I think if I’m not mistaken, I took my nap around 4 something in the afternoon and I woke up just in time to help my house mate preparing dinner. I feel so lethargic these few days and I don’t really know the reason why. Partially it is because I have been staying up late to complete my assignments because the datelines are due and half of it is I just don’t know the reason why. I tend to sleep way often than usual. I do stay up late doing work but then the next day I would just take my naps either way too long or too often. For instance, I would sleep around in the afternoon and wake up to take my bath and just go back to sleep again. I feel like a pig whenever I do that but I couldn’t help myself because my eyes tend to close against my will.

I am supposed to be happy because it is my 7^th anniversary with my boyfriend but I am trying to pick a fight with him on his smoking habits. I guess something is wrong with me these few days. I am trying to find every single reason to be upset with my boyfriend even though he has been trying so hard to be there for me. Though I have to admit that he wasn’t there when I needed him the most and I can’t blame him because well, I can’t expect him to be there all the time. Eventually, I have learnt to handle things my own way, taking the stress and problems into my own account and trying to work things out by myself.

I guess one of the reasons I’m picking a fight with him about his smoking habits is because I tend to have certain “qualities” in my boyfriend? I’m not too sure about myself because I remember saying that I wouldn’t date someone who is younger or who smokes but yet the irony is that I am dating someone who is younger than me and who smokes. I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on him on that account because he started smoking before he met me and forcing him to quit abruptly would just cause him to retaliate and I don’t want that to happen. But in the end, I would just have to give up. I’m getting tired telling him to stop smoking or to stop drinking. I worry so much. I care too much yet I know he stills does it. In the end, I have to let it go. Let him do whatever he wants.

I think all these months spending my days alone have turned me really numb. I’m afraid that I will forget what’s like to hang out with people. What does it feel like to actually be with people I could just sit down and let go. I’m beginning to forget these feelings. Turning down invitations to hang out with friends because of assignments or sometimes just so I could be in front of the computer hoping to see my own boyfriend online. Have I become that lonely I wonder myself? I really don’t know. Half of my time is spend wandering in the library looking for books to read or walking around the mall looking at clothes which I know that I wouldn’t be able to get because I have to save money. Sitting down in the food court and eating alone while reading the book that I have borrowed and observing my surroundings seeing people either with friends, loved ones or families.

I guess I have to learn to stop crying. Learn to be numb to the point that I will not cry. Learn not to be hurt. At least this way, I wouldn’t have to cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning with swollen eyes. At least I could face the day with a bright cheerful face without having to fake it. I’m getting tired with myself. I’m getting tired with loneliness. I’m getting tired with crying. Less than 29 days before I return, but during that 29 days what will become of me? How many nights have I cried myself to sleep? How many nights I have longed to be kissed? How many nights do I have to spend my nights alone in front of the computer longing to look at the person I love yet he isn’t there? At times I regret furthering my studies because, if I didn’t come here, I wouldn’t be facing these problems. I guess tonight is another night where my pillow is wet from my tears.