Chapter : Finally!

I slept around 10 something in the evening and just woke up around 2 in the morning. Now I’m sure that I won’t be able to sleep till Gods know what time in the morning. Well, I can’t help it since my sleeping orders are pretty screwed up. I get up at odd hours in the wee morning and couldn’t sleep till odd hours in the afternoon, sometimes none at all and that isn’t good for my body and complexion. Seriously, I think that’s why my complexion is getting from bad to worse. Well or maybe just that I’m getting older and my face just decides to touch “puberty” and start sprouting pimples from all over the place. Doesn’t help that I’m also trying to heal the scars I have obtained on my nose because I had a skin “reaction” where it just break out in red spots and it really felt like sunburn and my skin was so dry that it was peeling off like snake skins hence the scar because it caused it to become an open wound.

Oh well, I guess this is just a process of growing up where you will receive hellish stuffs that would happen to your complexion…or maybe it is just me because my sister’s face is like really clear and almost flawless. I envy her skin complexion. The only thing that I “triumph”’ over my sister is that I have a skinnier body and thus, am able to fit in most clothes while on the other hand that I wouldn’t be able to wear her clothes because it is too loose on me. I never had perfect skin complexion to begin with and also having nice flawless, scar-less skin on my body but I chose to live with it somehow but just not having enough confidence to actually wear a skirt or shorts because fear of exposing my hideous legs. I’m always envious with people with perfect skin on their body; I swear to you, I’m like always thinking that they bath in milk to achieve such skin!

Anyway, I’m flying off today around midnight or so and will be arriving in Malaysia in the morning. I’m so ecstatic that I think I won’t be able to sleep till I’m on the plane or something but before leaving, there are so many things that I have to do.

THINGS TO DO BEFORE LEAVING

1. Wash the bed sheets, pillow cases and blanket cover
2. Clean and vacuum the room
3. Clear out the thrash in the room
4. Throw any food remnants
5. Check suitcase to see whether I have brought enough stuffs
6. Pack my laptop and big hard drive
7. Recharge my Malaysian phone and Australian phone
8. Recharge my Archos portable player

Well, I can’t think of anything else at the moment because my mind is so focused that I would be flying home soon. After the long wait of “suffering” the cold here, I can finally bask myself in the warm climate that I actually miss! Not only that, I would be able to eat all the food that I want to eat! I pity Jin because whenever we video call on Skype, I keep telling him that I see him, I see Malaysian food written all over him. I keep muttering things like, “prawn mee, hokkien mee, pan mee, banana leaf, popiah …” which actually doesn’t help because it just made me even hungrier.

Sylvia told me today that she decided to further her studies to Australia which made me really happy because I know that she won’t be alone and I’m able to guide her through the process here and also telling her what to do and what not. It is really very exciting and I can’t wait for her to arrive next year! Though I would be ending my semester during the year she arrives but I guess I could work for a while for half a year or so. Who knows? I need to get some experience and cash anyway. So many things, I can’t wait! I’m flying home soon and my best friend is also coming to Australia and study!

Chapter : Almost

I just had to post something up because well, it is something I would like to say “celebrate”. Let’s just say that I have officially completed all my assignments and handed them up. Well, the most important ones I must say. I have been awake two nights in a row just to complete my animation project blocking which I later found out that most of my classmates didn’t even complete blocking but just test animation which leads me to utter dismay because Kelsie and I stayed up till 7am just to rush our blocking which we could have just done the test animation which allows us to grab some SLEEP. Guess that is one thing we must say, oh well. What is done is done.

So what’s left for me to hand up is my long composition which is also known as memory drawing which I have just completed it few minutes ago because I couldn’t sleep and technically I slept at the wrong time and woke up at the wrong time thus I decided to do my assignment since I’m wide awake. Does that even make sense? It is 7.04am now so I apologize if my entry this time seems really long winded. That particular assignment is due this Wednesday at 9.15am and well, I’m glad that I have managed to complete that one. Another assignment that I have to have up is the WIL project thing which all I have to do now is type a journal entry on what I have to do which I hope to be really easy because I don’t really know the format to do so. Should I type it like a professional blogger or just type it as me?

Anyway, after all that I’m officially free and am able to do whatever I want! I can’t wait nor I can’t wait till I return back to Malaysia so I can eat all the food that I crave for! Seriously, winter here does a lot of things to you, you eat more without realizing that you are putting on weight till you start to feel your clothes getting all snug and tight then only it comes to your senses that you have been pigging out way too much! It happened to me, so yeah. Talking from experience here! I keep saying that I would slowly lose the weight but it is really hard because winter is extremely cold and it burns my fats away and causes me to be extra hungry really fast so therefore, I tend to eat more which is not good.

On the other hand, I came to realize that I have spend way too much than usual which is not good because my dad gave me a certain amount of cash for me to survive the entire year but unfortunately, I failed to do so. Thank god that I’m not doing accounts or anything that do with money because I’m really hopeless in it. But on the other hand, if it comes to saving, I know how to do it because half the time I would be starving myself and make sure I don’t spend anything on food and wait till I reach home and start eating which rarely happens because at times when I reach home, there isn’t any food to eat so I just stay hungry until dinner or buy something to eat at least because I could feel myself weakening and probably going to faint on the ground.

Hopefully that I would manage to save this time round because I’m not going to classes since the only thing left is to hand up the assignments and also I don’t go out to watch movies because I have no choice but to save money or hang out with my friends for that matter. Damn, I feel so bad for turning down their invitations at times. Guess I can’t help it when your dad gives you a certain amount of cash which you have to learn how to save and spend. It doesn’t help that my art supplies is expensive and I had to pay for other stuffs for university which weren’t included in the fees.

20 more days before I return back to Malaysia. I can’t wait! My mom said that I would be busy preparing for my party which I’m more than happy to do it because I can go shopping to find something nice to wear for my party and well, spend time with my best friends! The only thing that I don’t look forward too is calling the people asking them whether they can make it to the party or not. At times, I just feel that I shouldn’t even have a party because it is so troublesome. I would rather celebrate it once with family and another with friends and that would conclude my birthday. Simple, don’t you think? Rather than planning a party to fit hundreds of people to see one measly person to celebrate her 21^st birthday.

Chapter : Loneliness

It is really late and I couldn’t sleep at all because I had a long nap at the wrong time. I think if I’m not mistaken, I took my nap around 4 something in the afternoon and I woke up just in time to help my house mate preparing dinner. I feel so lethargic these few days and I don’t really know the reason why. Partially it is because I have been staying up late to complete my assignments because the datelines are due and half of it is I just don’t know the reason why. I tend to sleep way often than usual. I do stay up late doing work but then the next day I would just take my naps either way too long or too often. For instance, I would sleep around in the afternoon and wake up to take my bath and just go back to sleep again. I feel like a pig whenever I do that but I couldn’t help myself because my eyes tend to close against my will.

I am supposed to be happy because it is my 7^th anniversary with my boyfriend but I am trying to pick a fight with him on his smoking habits. I guess something is wrong with me these few days. I am trying to find every single reason to be upset with my boyfriend even though he has been trying so hard to be there for me. Though I have to admit that he wasn’t there when I needed him the most and I can’t blame him because well, I can’t expect him to be there all the time. Eventually, I have learnt to handle things my own way, taking the stress and problems into my own account and trying to work things out by myself.

I guess one of the reasons I’m picking a fight with him about his smoking habits is because I tend to have certain “qualities” in my boyfriend? I’m not too sure about myself because I remember saying that I wouldn’t date someone who is younger or who smokes but yet the irony is that I am dating someone who is younger than me and who smokes. I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on him on that account because he started smoking before he met me and forcing him to quit abruptly would just cause him to retaliate and I don’t want that to happen. But in the end, I would just have to give up. I’m getting tired telling him to stop smoking or to stop drinking. I worry so much. I care too much yet I know he stills does it. In the end, I have to let it go. Let him do whatever he wants.

I think all these months spending my days alone have turned me really numb. I’m afraid that I will forget what’s like to hang out with people. What does it feel like to actually be with people I could just sit down and let go. I’m beginning to forget these feelings. Turning down invitations to hang out with friends because of assignments or sometimes just so I could be in front of the computer hoping to see my own boyfriend online. Have I become that lonely I wonder myself? I really don’t know. Half of my time is spend wandering in the library looking for books to read or walking around the mall looking at clothes which I know that I wouldn’t be able to get because I have to save money. Sitting down in the food court and eating alone while reading the book that I have borrowed and observing my surroundings seeing people either with friends, loved ones or families.

I guess I have to learn to stop crying. Learn to be numb to the point that I will not cry. Learn not to be hurt. At least this way, I wouldn’t have to cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning with swollen eyes. At least I could face the day with a bright cheerful face without having to fake it. I’m getting tired with myself. I’m getting tired with loneliness. I’m getting tired with crying. Less than 29 days before I return, but during that 29 days what will become of me? How many nights have I cried myself to sleep? How many nights I have longed to be kissed? How many nights do I have to spend my nights alone in front of the computer longing to look at the person I love yet he isn’t there? At times I regret furthering my studies because, if I didn’t come here, I wouldn’t be facing these problems. I guess tonight is another night where my pillow is wet from my tears.