Friday, January 5, 2007

Chapter: Too many things in my mind

I got up early this morning and felt slightly off color. I can’t explain why I am feeling this way but I just do. My mom bought breakfast for my sister and I and after I ate it, I felt even worse than before. What is wrong with me? Is there some weird deadly disease that I am developing which is non-existent to the entire world?

My heart is pounding really fast against my chest, I keep taking short breaths, and I feel sleepy even though I have enough hours of sleep. What is wrong with me, I wonder. Maybe it is because that my mind is never at ease and is always thinking about things that weren’t meant to be thought about. Anyway, trying to recap what is going on my mind that makes me feel uneasy…

Jessie’s Mind

1.Thinking about Andrew
2.Wondering what Andrew is doing
3.Wondering what happen to our relationship
4.What is going on with him lately?
5.Does he still love me?
6.Are we going to break up when he comes back?

Gee, no wonder I’m suffering from stress, pressure, lack of urge to eat. I should seek psychiatric help to get myself back on track. I mean, how could one person give me such impact? This seem like an unsolved mystery to me. I mean, if he could have said such horrible things about me to his god sister, why am I still trying to save our relationship? Plus, when he went back to his hometown which was at Tawau, Sabah, he promised that we would be able to talk to each other online or sending text messages to each other. Unfortunately, those bland promises that he made was never even fulfilled.

On the lighter note, I have to give credit to Andrew for he was loving and caring for the first few months of the relationship where he would constantly send me text messages or reply my messages, buy me breakfast, lunch or dinner, will be worried whether I’m dead or alive when I’m driving home. This sort of treatment that he has gave me for the first few months of our relationship. I guess I gotten way too clingy on him and therefore making him back off and decided to hurt me in hopes that I would dump him? I’m not too sure about that. I guess I love him too much in order for me to release him from my grasp. But one have said, “If you love someone, let the person go” or was it like that? A proverb was said “Absences makes the heart grow fonder” I wonder whether Andrew believes in that, because I do.

It is really frustrating when you found out what your significant other was doing behind your back, saying words that hurts you deeply and somehow doesn’t feel guilty at all for saying those things then. To add more salt to the wound, he calmly said that it was all a misunderstanding and I just reacted way to drastically. He also admits that he loves his god sister and misses her and she feels the same way too. Do you know how much it actually hurt me? It felt as though he has driven a stake through my heart as though he was trying to kill a vampire.

Trying to remember his messages that he has send to me through text messages or online messages through “Friendster” but I can’t due to the fact that my mind is totally empty now. But I do remember his LAST message to me, and I kid you not. It was his last message to me for the two weeks that he was away. “Dear, I got good news. It seems that my sim card has problem. Going to get a replacement card soon, so in the mean time, do not call me.” That was his message that he has sent to me. Can you believe it? I was pondering for all the time, “Basically he knew that I was trying to call him. So he practically knew that I was calling his phone numerous times in order for me just to hear his voice.” Those particular thoughts of mine kept haunting me repeatedly. How can I be free from these thoughts of mine?

No wonder I’m suffering from all these “sickness” which I have stated above. I mean, how can one boyfriend be so...heartless? I thought boyfriends are supposed to be caring and loving and all the wonderful things what boyfriend should be. Come to think about it, Andrew isn’t any typical boyfriend that I have dated. A typical boyfriend should be…maybe I should just come up with a list.

Jessie’s List of What a Boyfriend should be.

5.Replies messages
6.Calls his girlfriend

That is as far as I can go. But basically that is the requirements of a boyfriend? I am not too sure of myself but I am certain that he has to be loyal, loving and caring. Now I have to end my story here because I have to help up with my batch in setting up the gallery.

1 comment:

Migdana said...

Interesting to know.