Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Chapter: The Breakup

My heart pounded against my chest as I knocked on his door. My mind was set and made and I was prepared for the worst. I kept thinking in my mind whether I could manage to save the relationship that last for 9 months but my heart felt so heavy and I could barely think about anything.

As he opened his door, I looked at the person I loved and showered with care, I looked at the person whom I thought that we would spend our lives staying together, doing things together. My heart sank when I saw that his expression of seeing me isn’t happy, but annoyed. I kept myself from crying. I held a poker face; I looked at him in the eye, “Still mad at me? Don’t want to talk to me anymore?” He didn’t even say a reply. He just ignored me and I was almost crushed on the spot.

But yet, I still held on and asked, “Can I come in?” He stared at me and said, “Up to you.” Then I kept asking, “Can I come in?” In the end, he just walked away from the door and sat in front of his computer again. I kept telling myself, “You can do this, hold on. Don’t shed a tear.” He was busy chatting with his god sister, I can tell but yet I kept silent.

I confronted him why was he so cold towards me. I asked him why he is reacting this way. He just ignored me. No matter what I say, he just kept ignoring me. I was so close to breaking down for I felt that my heart has crushed into pieces and was burn to ashes later on. I kept on pestering him and in the end he finally spoke to me and he said this “It is not about you; I am seeking an answer from myself.”

“What answer do you seek?” I replied.

“Whether I can continue with this relationship,” he replied.

At that moment, I just broke down in tears. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. My mind was flooding with memories. Each of them kept flashing back in my mind. I kept on thinking, “What did I do wrong? Why did we end up this way?” I pleaded to him to come and sit next to me on his bed. At first he was reluctant, but I was thankful that he came. I looked at him in the eye and tried my best to save this relationship. I confessed that I loved him so much and couldn’t afford to lose this relationship that I have made. I asked him, “Why can’t you think back the times where we first dated? Where everything was carefree and loving?” I tried to trigger memories that we have shared to him and in hopes that he will forgive me and will give a chance to save this relationship again.

But with all the things I have said, nothing seems to move him. There wasn’t any reply from him at all. It seems that I was talking to a marble statue so silent and cold. In my mind I kept wondering, “Is it going to be the end?” I stayed in his room, holding his hands, touching his face, looking into the eyes which I fell in love with, observing every single detail of him because in my heart I could feel, this is the end.

At last I left his place with a heavy heart, when I reached into my car, I couldn’t stop crying. I cried and cried till the way home. I couldn’t stop myself. My tears kept pouring and I was trying my best to stop it. I called my pet brother and I talked to him, instead of him comforting me, I was the one who was comforting me by cracking up lame jokes and making him laugh. Then when I have finally calmed down, I slowly walked back up to my room and just stoned there. I couldn’t think of anything at that time. When I tried to sleep, I couldn’t. I just felt so lost and empty during that time and I wished that I would wake up and all these things didn’t happen.

The next day I woke up around 6am in the morning, I couldn’t sleep. The moment I close my eyes, I could feel memories flashing back at me. Tears just kept pouring out and I didn’t want my sister to see me crying. Pretending that everything was fine, I just went on with my usual things, getting up and doing all the things which I normally do. I send him a message saying “I asked of you, don’t cut me out from your life. A moment you said that you love me, miss me. A single wrong turn, made us fall apart. You begged me once, I gave a chance. I am begging you now; will you give us a chance?” A replied came and all it says was “I’m sorry, Jesc.” I knew that it was the end from the moment I left his house, and all I could reply was “Why are you apologizing for? I guess that it was meant to be this way. Thanks for showering me with love and care. Guess we weren’t meant to be even though we said we are.” And that was the last message I have send to him and received back from him.

I knew that yesterday was the last goodbye I have said to him, a last hug I gave him, a last kiss on his cheek. I pulled myself together because I knew that today was the night of my graduation night and I had to be happy. No matter how sad I am, I will brush it aside. I will pull myself through and if fates come again, I will be with him again. If it doesn’t, then cupid probably has better plans for me.

In my mind, I keep thinking of all the memories I have shared with him and I have tried my best not to hold it inside. Each time I’m out with my friends I was happy that during that moments that I could free my mind from him but sadly, each couple I pass by, a pang of jealousy came to me and I thought “I used to be one of them.” I kept hoping that I could turn back time where everything was happy and carefree. I kept hoping that I could wake up from this nightmare I am facing. Alone and lonely is what I am feeling when I am at home. I wish that there is someone whom I can hold and cry too.

In my mind, I felt that he was the best. Finding out what he did, really did hurt me to the core. For once I had the blow; I managed to heal myself again, thanks to him. Twice made it worse but there was something about him that I actually brought myself to the lowest level to forgive him. I broke my rules about dating; I broke my principles which I set whenever I have a boyfriend. To the people I have told that I was going to get back at him, I actually did. With my poker face and all, I actually managed to get back at him, saying things that would make him think, “Why is she saying all these things to me.” But in the end, I kept thinking, “Why is that I am loving him so much? Why can’t I be the one who is cold and heartless?”

Nine months have gone and that is the longest relationship I had. Happiness and sadness were shared during the pass nine months. Many obstacles we face throughout the nine months we managed to pass through. The only thing that made me sad was the last obstacle that we have to face, was to learn to love and trust each other again, were given up half way and that leads us to the failure of this relationship.

2 comments:

Nicole said...

... you know Akon's new song? Just sing it and use your imagination...

smack that, all on the floorrrrrr~~~ *slaps jesc's ex*

smack that, get me some moreeeeee~~~ *keeps on slapping*

alwizhyper said...

NICKY!! i was laughing so hard when you said that! my sister thinks im nuts now.