Chapter : Christmas 2011

This year my Christmas was pretty...mundane. On Christmas eve, I spent my morning eating Bak Kut Teh with the family, then followed them to Subang Parade to do some shopping for my youngest brother because he’s running out of PROPER clothes. After that was a simple dinner and we went home afterwards. Then on Christmas day itself, went to church in the morning, my aunt, cousin and her husband dropped by for a visit and then we went for dinner afterwards. It was such a boring celebration for both days. Didn’t get to go to Shaun’s party after that too because it was too late so I just stayed at home and watched my Japanese dramas like a hopeless nerd. But it’s good to spend dinner with my family once in a while...I guess. 

Other than that, I got lovely Christmas presents this year, though it may not be many but its lovely nevertheless. I got a handmade item from Joey and surprisingly enough a pair of earrings from the boyfriend but it isn’t your typical ten bucks pair of earrings from any typical store but it’s from a PROPER jewelery store! Like a store that sold real gold and silvers! I was so shocked that when I received it from the boyfriend...he’s always doing things like this. 

First he will play mind tricks on you saying he will get pepper spray, steering lock or some funny items that would make you think that it would be useful but not suitable for a gift to someone. Then he will continue it for a while and it would stick inside your head thinking that he will be getting it for you. Then when the day comes he will say, “I got something for you! It’s small and cute.” And since it’s already planted in your head you automatically say, “It is pepper spray??” and he would laugh and replied, “No, I didn’t. Just wait, it’s a surprise!” Then you will start deducting what is small and cute that is sold which you would like. Then curiousity takes you over and you start to pester him what he actually bought for you but deep down you feel as though he really DID get pepper spray as a gift.

Then when you meet him you continued to pester him asking whether he got you pepper spray or a pen drive...then when he finally gave you the present and when you opened it you will be totally mind blown. Yes, that really did happen to me. I was mind blown...it’s the first time that a boyfriend gave me REAL jewelery...I mean I have received some fake earrings here and there but REAL jewelery? He’s the first. Now I feel bad for getting him a t-shirt. How in the world can I top REAL JEWELERY? I really should start planting a money tree so I could get him some mind blowing gift in the future. 

But sadly though, when he got me the present my ear-holes have closed up so I have to pierce them again. Just to wear the EARRINGS he got for me! Thank you for the lovely present my dear! I really didn’t expect that you would get me something so extravagant! And to Joey, even though you are so tight on money you still gave me an adorable Christmas gift, I love it SO MUCH! Thank you! 

Well, I hope that during the coming week I would be able to celebrate an early New Year’s Eve celebration because I wouldn’t be around on the eve of the New Year as I’m heading back to my hometown for some prayers for my late grandfather. 

Till then, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Chapter : Reaching my LIMIT.

I’m 24 years. You might think I’m all grown up having all the freedom in the world. In truth, I do not. These days I have been a big rebel. Barely seeing my own family, yes, I have been avoiding them. Why? It’s because it’s very stressful and pressurizing for me. I mean I understand that we are working and have our own little stress and stuffs but when I decide to join the family for dinner, please don’t pick on me. Please I know that you care about me but I just don’t want to be the main topic. 

For an example, a simple dinner with the family will be fine, then suddenly the mom would say whether you have done this and that for your sister’s wedding, or nagging that I’m always home late and my dad would be nagging that I never do my stretches for my back and stuffs. Yes, I know that you’re worried and stuffs but PLEASE, just leave me alone. I can’t have a PROPER conversation with any of you. For instance when I said I have a freelance job that was given by someone from work; you said what kind person is that giving freelance job. IT’S A JOB AND HE DOES IT TOO. THAT’S WHY HE GIVES IT TO ME. I’m getting paid, that’s all it matters.

I can’t hang out so late at night because I know it’s dangerous for me, but when the moment you’re having fun you just don’t know that time passes by so fast and when you look at your watch you will be shocked to see that it’s already so late. I’m always having fun with the boyfriend and my friends that I totally forget to check my cellphone for the time since I don’t wear a watch. I get told off for that. I understand, but I’m a big girl now, I know they are worried for my safety as every parent does, but are you going to be worried for me when I’m 30 years old too? I know that no matter how old I get I will always be your little girl. 

Maybe I should just leave on my own, share a room with someone. I have come to the point where I just want to do that. I never lived on my own before nor share a room with strangers. Run away and rent a place and survive with little money I have in my wallet. In my head maybe when I see my own parents less and I know when I reach home I won’t see them the next morning, I can treat them better. 

I mean, they have been leaving me alone the past few weeks but the moment a message arrive saying I have been back to my old routines and stuffs makes me upset. I barely come home at 4 in the morning these days. The latest I have been was 3 in the morning...nowadays, the latest I come home is 1 in the morning and my cousin on the other hand comes back at 2 in the morning and she DRIVES alone too. I just don’t get it. They complain that I’m not independent, but how am I supposed to be independent when you shelter me SO MUCH?

I get jealous whenever I see my friends staying over at other girlfriends’ place. I never get the chance to stay over at a girlfriend’s place spontaneously. I always have to come home. Whenever I try to ask permission to stay over at a friend’s place they would question “why do you have to go? Can’t they all come here? Why do you always have to cater to them?” I didn’t even want to say that my friends don’t feel the freedom when they are at my place. They feel UNCOMFORTABLE. I feel so bad. I mean they have stayed over before, but we can’t go ballistic and have fun like normal because they are afraid of disturbing the neighbours or my parents. So they mostly hang around in my room and sleep early and leave early the next morning. It’s sad. 

I’m reaching to a point where I really am conflicted with myself. I want to just break free from everything and just run away but deep down I know that I can never bring myself to do it because I know it will just make things worse. I just want them to understand, I’m only going to live once, if I’m going to be controlled and sheltered my entire life, I would regret in the future for never lived life to the fullest.

Have my parents forgotten that they were young once? Have they had no freedom then?