Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Chapter : A Sadden Heart...

I am feeling slightly off colour these days. Maybe it is because depressing people’s aura is rubbing on me and I too become as depressed as them. I don’t know. But a lot of things were on my mind these days and half the time I always keep it to myself and I really don’t know what to do with myself. Half the time I wanted to tells it to my best friends but half the time I feel that I can’t.

These days I feel that I have always been put down and I usually take it normally but half the time it tends to get to you when they do it way often. For an example, I know that my artistic skills isn’t something to brag about but I have always tried my best do practice and produce something which is nice enough for me to see. But throughout the 8 months I haven’t held a pencil because I keep thinking that I don’t have the skills to even draw something presentable. I know it is all in my head but it doesn’t helps when your best friends keep telling you that you can’t draw either. You know how heart crushing it feels that something that you love to do and realize that you can’t do but instead of getting encouragement from your friends, instead you get words like “You can’t even shade properly. I wonder how in the world you graduated from the academy.” It hurts but I don’t say it because I used to take it as a joke. But if you kept on repeating it tends to get to you really badly.

Teases are fine with me. I am always the center of attention when it comes to stupidity, lameness or dumbness. I admit that, I don’t mind that. But sometimes I feel that can I get some kind of other attention instead of that? Or maybe something that isn’t regarding about, “Oh, Jessie is always getting this guy’s attention. Jessie is this. Jessie is that.” I don’t see it as a compliment but just a word of teasing and sometimes I feel a strike of uttermost jealousy. But I can’t say these things because I feel that it is what brings laughter and joy to all of us and honestly enough, it does bring it to me. I love seeing people laughing and joking but sometimes I feel is that the only thing I can do?

Another thing troubling in my mind, are men. I don’t mean it as an offence but sometimes I keep wondering, what has happen to all the normal men in this world? It may like I’m bragging but I am just stating a fact here. I do get people taking my numbers because of my looks. I do get people liking me because of my looks. As flattering as it may be, but they haven’t even know me well enough yet and it is tough when you have no choice but to treat them nicely even though they keep declaring their uttermost love at you and you keep saying to them, “How can you like me when you don’t even know me?” and when I do say that, they will be all pissed at you saying that you are very snobbish and what not or I didn’t give them a try to find out. I kept wondering, am I just going to get a guy because I feel that I should give him a chance? I don’t want to fall into that situation.

What I tend to find it something that will push me forward. I am already getting put down by my own parents and I have to bear with it. But getting put down by your own friends in a teasing way is fine, but too much, it hurts you really badly. Am I the kind that I have to cheer my friends up and let my problems engulf me slowly? But for what is worth, I do treasure what I have, my friends that is always there for me and sides, I shouldn’t be greedy and ask for too much, right?


Nicole said...

aww... *pats* don't worry, I know you can do whatever you put your mind to!!! I know you're just freaking lazy and if you work harder, you'll get where you wanna be. That's how it is :( Dont be sad. Me cry too.

alwizhyper said...

awww *huggle* thanks :3 <333

Eu Jin said...

i might be a little late, ok scratch that, super-duper late, but i just HAVE to say this. no dear, you're not here just to make people laugh. you've done a fine share of digging me out my shit-hole of a bad mood and turning my darkest days shinier than a summer's afternoon! <3