Chapter : Confused Feelings

The computer clock stated the time, 4.18am. I am still sitting here by the computer supposedly to be doing the sound effects for my group’s project but complications occurred which left me stranded figuring out how I am supposed to fix it. Despite the fact that I was trying my best to work things true, but somehow it still fails so in the end my classmate Darren decided to watch Ice Age to enlighten us up. Instead of watching the movie itself in English, Darren decided to dub the entire movie in Cantonese and it was really funny.

For instance, Manfred became Man Fai in the movie and due to the fact that the other characters called Man Fai, Fai Fai for short, it is as though calling Terrence because it is his Chinese name. It was pretty amusing that time, when certain scenes being played we would call Terrence. Then there is this one particular part where Diego (which in Cantonese they pronounced it differently which to me it sounded like Diet Coke instead) said “Fai Fai is a good man” (Well, it was said in Cantonese but I just translate it on the spot) and Terrence looked at me and repeated the same sentence to me and I replied with “I don’t believe…” which made the entire people in the lab laughed. Then Terrence just kept repeating the sentence to himself and also occasionally to me which I just kept repeating the same answer I gave him previously.

After the movie ended, I had no choice but to get back to my work but I can’t blame myself if I tend to wander around by opening my own music or just browsing through the normal sites which I usually surf through. On the lighter part of my mind, I kept thinking about how I am feeling lately. I mean, I felt as though I have loved another but it is ridiculous to me because I felt that it is too fast. Even though I have moved on, it still takes time for a broken heart to heal. Loving another so soon, to me just feel as though I am a player and I hate this feeling.

Maybe it is just lust or maybe it is just a temporary crush thing. It also could be that I am not sure of my own feelings or I am in the state of confusion. It happens most of the time and I somehow will find out what I am truly feeling later. Infatuation is what others told me. I hope that isn’t it. It takes a while for a person who is broken to love another, right? Guess I just confused with my own feelings.

Funnily enough, lately people keep telling me things which I find it really amusing. How often do you get people coming up to you and say, “Did you just break up?”

“Yeah” I replied.

“Oh, sorry to hear that, so that means you are single now?” came the question.

“Yeah, what a stupid question to ask,” I said.

“May I ask how did it end? If you don’t mind me asking,”

“He fell out of love,” I just answered.

“Oh, sorry to hear that, but don’t worry! I am sure that a lot of guys will be lining up to date you!” came the morale support line.

“Haha, I don’t think so. That would be much exaggerated,” I said.

“Nah, I am serious. You are pretty and nice. I am sure of it.”

“Erm, thanks for the compliment,” I said even though I felt slightly uncomfortable.

“So, would you give me a chance? Let’s go on a date,” the biggest hint that anyone could give me.

I didn’t answer him but I just sat in front of the computer stupefied yet amused at the same time. He wasn’t the first one who said that. I have few others saying that to me but I take them as jokes even though one promised to call me out for our little “date”. When I told Joey about it, she would laugh and ask me to go for it. She even came up a joke where I should start a booth and ask the guys to take a number and wait for their turn. It was pretty absurd but at least we managed to get a few laughs from it. Maybe I should start one soon, don’t you think so? Just kidding.

My mom just told me that we are going to shift to our new house on the 12th of February which I think it is late because I am very excited to see the new house that we are moving too. After pestering my dad for few times complaining that the house is breaking apart and the cupboards are just falling, my dad finally gave in and found a place for us to move too. I have stayed in my current house for 10 years to be exact, or maybe closer to 11 now, I am not too sure. But nevertheless, I basically grew up in that house and also learn how to evolve. Maybe in the new house I will evolve even more and become a whole new person? I don’t know. That sentence I wrote just now, amuses me. I have never seen the new house before because I want to surprise myself with it.

My maid told me that my sister is coming back to Malaysia on the 30th of January. She just went back not to long ago to re-sit some papers and my dad offered her a plane ticket to celebrate Chinese New Year with the family. I wonder whether this year I would have more ang pows since I am not going back to my hometown so to speak. Darn, hope that my cousins from Singapore will come down to Kuala Lumpur again so I can collect more ang pows from them and also can see my niece and nephew.

I can’t wait to shift to the new place. I can’t wait for a lot of new things to happen. After all, this is a new year, what do you think?