Chapter : The Dream

I had a dream two days ago and I told the boyfriend about it...more like nagged at the boyfriend why he did or said it. 

Anyway, the dream started off when I was in the boyfriend’s car heading some place. Then out of the blue, he said, “I have something to tell you. I’m currently dating a girl who is prettier and nicer than you.” The moment he said it, my heart sank and I asked, “Why did you do it?” He didn’t answer. Then when we arrived in our destination, apparently the girl he was dating behind my back was there. Then I found out she wasn’t even that pretty to begin with and she’s a Japanese chick. Then I looked at the boyfriend and said, “That’s the girl you’re dating?! She’s not even pretty!” 

I bet that's how I looked like when I said that.

Then I woke up. I told the boyfriend about it, and I scolded him. I said, “Why you like Japanese chick over me? She’s not even pretty! How is she nicer than me?!!!”  The boyfriend laughed because I was making so much noise over a dream. Then he said, “You should have more confidence in yourself, my dear. Like, I’m prettier! Or I’m cuter! Something like that.” 

Then I laughed and said, “Yes, I know. But it’s still your fault!”

Deep down I know that he will never do that and he said it himself too that he will never do it but it was funny how I reacted when I found out that the girl he was dating was a Japanese chick and I thought she wasn’t even pretty!

What do you think? Dreams are some sort of message or it’s just a dream...dream. You know? I'm confused.

Why is everything so confusing?

Chapter : The Start.

The start of the year, not sure whether is it a good start or a bad start. I have been busy for my sister’s wedding, then after that Chinese New Year Celebration. Now I’m off work for a day because it’s a public holiday for people who work under the Kuala Lumpur territory. 

Not too long ago, my youngest brother flew to Brisbane to start his Year 10 there. My dad flew along too to keep an eye of him to make sure that he does his homework and stuffs like that. My mom cried buckets when he left because she is very attached to him. I don’t blame her I guess because every single day you’re with him and practically doing everything together, it’s hard to let go. Besides, when all of us (My siblings and I) left, we were in our twenties whereas my youngest brother is only fifteen when he left. The house now is currently occupied by my mom and I. It feels pretty big now when there’s only the two of us. I try to spend most of the time accompanying my mom because she’s the type who really needs a companion...though my relationship with her is not on a great level. But I will do my best somehow...

I have been thinking a lot lately, mostly on my career, need to do a fresh start before its too late. I can’t be procrastinating anymore; I need to make the first step to move forward! Hopefully I would be able to branch out from my usual work scope. From an animator to...something else, which I haven’t really thought about yet. Well, basically I hope that I would be able to get out of the office more, meet new people and able to interact with them instead of sitting in front of the computer every single day without getting any sunlight or something. 

The reason why I took so long to start making a move from my current job because I’m pretty comfortable in that company. Though we have projects with deadlines to rush but the environment there is pretty easy-going. But then I just have to force myself out from my little comfort zone and start to move up. I need to do it while I’m still “young” if I want to try out something new. Hopefully that whichever path I take I will be able to succeed. 

Growing up is never easy but everyone must face it one way or another. It’s either they start early or start later...in certain cases, never at all! Pray that this year would be a fruitful year for me. I know I will be facing a lot of hardships but if I work hard and be patient, I might be rewarded...right?

Chapter : Welcome the Year 2012.

New Year’s Eve 2011, I didn’t get to spend with the boyfriend. Instead I was back in my hometown because I had prayers for my late grandfather. Even though last year I did managed to spend it with the boyfriend, unfortunately, he was ill therefore he had to head back early and we didn’t get to do the countdown nor see the fireworks together. At least we managed to wish each other Happy New Year first before the clock strike 12 because we know that the lines will be jam by then. 

My New Year’s Eve was boring. There wasn’t anything to do, so I just sat at home, played some games on the iTouch and slept. When the clock struck 12, I heard fireworks, but I couldn’t see it. So I slept after that...the boyfriend called me to wish me Happy New Year but it was too noisy and he couldn’t hear me though I could hear him. The only noise I could hear in Malacca was motorcycles passing by honking.

How can I summarize up my 2011? A lot has happened within this year, a lot of sadness and happiness combined to make me the person I am today.

1. I have been working for a year.
2. I managed to complete my first freelance job.
3. Had my first vacation with the boyfriend
4. Missed out on my first group vacation with my girlfriends.
5. Planned a surprised birthday dinner for the boyfriend.
6. Had a lovely birthday celebration.
7. Spent karaoking until 4 am.
8. Met Sylvia’s boyfriend for the first time.
9. Was given a pair of white gold earrings for Christmas.
10. Made new friends and gotten closer to some of them unexpectedly.

I was never the type that would like to make New Year’s resolution because I know for a fact that I can never fulfil them. It’s like people making a resolution that they will lose weight and stuffs but never got to it in the end. I tried making some resolutions before but in the end I never get to them. Maybe I have achieved one out of the many and that’s about it. 

Let’s hope that this year would be another great year for me and to everyone else too.

Chapter : Reaching my LIMIT.

I’m 24 years. You might think I’m all grown up having all the freedom in the world. In truth, I do not. These days I have been a big rebel. Barely seeing my own family, yes, I have been avoiding them. Why? It’s because it’s very stressful and pressurizing for me. I mean I understand that we are working and have our own little stress and stuffs but when I decide to join the family for dinner, please don’t pick on me. Please I know that you care about me but I just don’t want to be the main topic. 

For an example, a simple dinner with the family will be fine, then suddenly the mom would say whether you have done this and that for your sister’s wedding, or nagging that I’m always home late and my dad would be nagging that I never do my stretches for my back and stuffs. Yes, I know that you’re worried and stuffs but PLEASE, just leave me alone. I can’t have a PROPER conversation with any of you. For instance when I said I have a freelance job that was given by someone from work; you said what kind person is that giving freelance job. IT’S A JOB AND HE DOES IT TOO. THAT’S WHY HE GIVES IT TO ME. I’m getting paid, that’s all it matters.

I can’t hang out so late at night because I know it’s dangerous for me, but when the moment you’re having fun you just don’t know that time passes by so fast and when you look at your watch you will be shocked to see that it’s already so late. I’m always having fun with the boyfriend and my friends that I totally forget to check my cellphone for the time since I don’t wear a watch. I get told off for that. I understand, but I’m a big girl now, I know they are worried for my safety as every parent does, but are you going to be worried for me when I’m 30 years old too? I know that no matter how old I get I will always be your little girl. 

Maybe I should just leave on my own, share a room with someone. I have come to the point where I just want to do that. I never lived on my own before nor share a room with strangers. Run away and rent a place and survive with little money I have in my wallet. In my head maybe when I see my own parents less and I know when I reach home I won’t see them the next morning, I can treat them better. 

I mean, they have been leaving me alone the past few weeks but the moment a message arrive saying I have been back to my old routines and stuffs makes me upset. I barely come home at 4 in the morning these days. The latest I have been was 3 in the morning...nowadays, the latest I come home is 1 in the morning and my cousin on the other hand comes back at 2 in the morning and she DRIVES alone too. I just don’t get it. They complain that I’m not independent, but how am I supposed to be independent when you shelter me SO MUCH?

I get jealous whenever I see my friends staying over at other girlfriends’ place. I never get the chance to stay over at a girlfriend’s place spontaneously. I always have to come home. Whenever I try to ask permission to stay over at a friend’s place they would question “why do you have to go? Can’t they all come here? Why do you always have to cater to them?” I didn’t even want to say that my friends don’t feel the freedom when they are at my place. They feel UNCOMFORTABLE. I feel so bad. I mean they have stayed over before, but we can’t go ballistic and have fun like normal because they are afraid of disturbing the neighbours or my parents. So they mostly hang around in my room and sleep early and leave early the next morning. It’s sad. 

I’m reaching to a point where I really am conflicted with myself. I want to just break free from everything and just run away but deep down I know that I can never bring myself to do it because I know it will just make things worse. I just want them to understand, I’m only going to live once, if I’m going to be controlled and sheltered my entire life, I would regret in the future for never lived life to the fullest.

Have my parents forgotten that they were young once? Have they had no freedom then?

Chapter : Me

I want to be strong.


I want to be happy. 


I don't want to have a duty...


Why must everything be unfair? Facts of life, I know.


I want to run away and be alone.


On an island, without anyone.


Maybe that way, I will be happy.


A slight happiness I can never enjoy for it will be taken away from me.

I want to be left alone. 


Never need to answer to anyone.


I want to be selfish just once...I want to have everything.

Chapter : I'm being an Eeyore.

After watching 500 days of Summer, I cried. I cried shitloads. I actually don’t know why, maybe it reminded me of my past...or maybe I’m just PMS-y.

The boyfriend laughed when I was talking about feelings. Shit, when I started to talk about feelings? I thought I was very good at avoiding the talk about feelings. I know the feeling of being torn to pieces and being lied straight to my face. That’s why I hate talking about feelings. It reminds me of being vulnerable and naive. 

Do people like to hide things from me because they are afraid of seeing me hurt? If that’s the case, why bother doing things that would hurt me in the first place? It’s confusing.

I was telling the boyfriend that the show reminded me of this little saying;

Like a monkey hanging onto a tree branch before swinging onto another.

Not sure whether I’m getting it right or not...but it’s something to do with monkeys. Well the concept is like when someone is attached or attracted to someone, they will hold onto that particular someone until the attraction dies and finds another, probably better or more interesting, or maybe not. Who knows, it depends on the person’s preferences. 

After thinking back, it seems legit because I happened to be the victim of the “monkey branch” thing. Maybe it’s me; maybe it’s them, or both. I think it’s because of the movie I started crying because it reminded me of the past ...where this character named Summer was with this guy then played around with his feelings, left him and got herself married. Poor dude, got his heart broken after letting someone in. 

I have friends who did the “monkey branch” thing and they said that it’s normal. Whereas I’m like fuck that, I rather be the dumb monkey that misses the branch and falls down and slowly climb my way up the tree again. I don’t want to be the cause of killing someone’s heart. I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s depression. It’s not pretty. How in the world do they face themselves in the mirror everyday knowing that they have torn someone’s heart apart? Unless the person is also another “monkey branch” follower or the person has the heart of stone. 

Anyway, I was just talking to my boyfriend about it and I called him a heartless person and he laughed and said I’m being silly. I know I am but it just seems that way, just summarizing that all men are heartless bastards. They can con you and get into your heart, leaving a mark there and running away with another person in their arms. Well, I shouldn’t be all sexist on this because I do know that women does the same too...but just this once, I want to be a sexist little bitch. Men are heartless. 

The boyfriend was trying to cheer me up but I can’t seem to do so. He called me Eeyore, the little donkey from Winnie the Pooh that’s always depressed. I really feel like it too because I was so depressed over it that if I was a character from an anime, I would be sitting in the corner with a dark stormy cloud above my head where it’s constantly raining and I would be there growing mushrooms. 

I asked the boyfriend why he was laughing at me when I’m all teary and complaining about my feelings. He said that the things I complained are pretty silly things...or something like that along the lines. I’m think he said that I don’t make sense. He said that if the past still haunts me means I’m still not over it. Maybe it’s true but then again, I use my past as a reference for me not to be stupid again...but I think it’s too late to learn from it because stupidity isn’t something that you can be cured of.

Hopefully tomorrow I would wake up and the feeling of being an Eeyore would fade away unless I have mastered the art of masking my feelings.

Chapter : Raising Kids.

Few days ago, someone asked me, “Would you want to have kids in the future?” 

I answered, “Well, it depends whether I could afford it or trust myself to raise it.” 

Well, if you think it’s a funny answer because normally people would say yes or no. But these days, really...it depends whether you could afford it or devoted yourself to taking care of the child. It’s a lot of responsibilities taking care of a child. My parents always say, “You will soon know the burden of raising a child when you own one.” 

Well, I don’t need to own one but I roughly know how tedious a task it would be. The responsibilities begin the moment you’re carrying a little bean in your tummy. You have to be careful of what you eat, drink or do. Once you give birth to the little one plus enduring the labour pains, another set of responsibilities begin. Your task is to support the little one with everything. Nursing it, feeding it, teaching it and all sort of things you do to mould the little one into the person you hope it grows to be. 

Not sure whether I make sense at the last part...but during the process on taking care of the little one, you have endure sleepless nights and changing diapers...but once the little one grows out of the diapers, you have to make sure the little one keeps their clothes on! Okay maybe that’s an exaggeration but I did know a little one that refuses to keep his clothes on. After their toddler years, they start to demand more from you...money-wise of course. They need this and that, their homework requires them to build a transformer and they need materials, they have ballet lessons, art lessons, music lesson or whatever lessons they want to attend plus we must not forget if they have tuition classes! So here you become their loyal little driver, chauffeuring them from north to south. 

Then reaching to the age where they’re a teenager. The rebellious stage, they won’t listen to you, they yell at you, they do all sort of things you do when you’re a teenager. You ground them, wallop their sorry little butts, cut their allowances, and make sure they have more chores to do or something to punish them. Making sure they learn their lesson in hopes that they wouldn’t repeat the same mistake. 

There’s a lot of process we have to go through emotionally, mentally and physically during the process of raising a child. A parent must be strong to endure the shits through thick and thin. Worrying about the cost they have to support when raising a child or whatever stuffs they need to do...

On the other hand, some might have doubts because of the pain that we women have to endure. Carrying another life inside of us which would add extra weight to our body, some of us would start feeling fat, suffer from hair loss or any other itty gritty bit that we get during our pregnancy...

But all in all, it’s a joyous thing to give birth to life and bringing them into the planet. Watching them grow and sharing happiness and sadness together...and when you grow old, you will have someone to keep you company, to take care of you in return.

Chapter : How?

Yesterday I continued my little exercise routine. This time it’s without the boyfriend though...he said he was going to run around his house. It was quite hard for me to estimate the time because I should run and walk so I just set an alarm that whenever one minute is up, I would switch from walking to jogging and vice versa. Plus, I didn’t count how many sets I was doing so I think I might did it less or more. I think more is better compared to less of course.

Anyway, my colleagues will be on leave because of the Raya celebration so most of them will be heading back to their hometown and the office would be really quiet and I would be the only one there apart from the office coordinator, two managing directors and two programmers. Going to have a quiet week during the Raya holidays I guess, unless someone plans something. Who knows?

These days my brain is being “overload” with thoughts. One of them is my work, I have been thinking of a career change. To do something that’s not related to what I have studied. But my concern is WHAT? What am I able to do? This I have to start thinking, what are my capabilities? What are my goals? What do I want to achieve? Would I might starting from the bottom and slowly work my way up? Would my parents support me? Would they guide me to the right path? I’m afraid of changes at times, but I feel that it must be done to achieve better things in life. 

Maybe I need a new hobby...break away from my usual reading or watching cartoons on my laptop. Start crafting? Start...I have no idea what other hobbies to do. Something to keep me occupied and let my mind off things. I want to put my mind to rest. It’s making me restless and confused. It’s giving me unnecessary stress and worries. 

How do I stop this? Can I just GIVE up?

Chapter : Epic Birthday Celebration!

Yesterday I had the most epic and awesome birthday celebration! Before I go any further on that, this week is what I would call “Celebration Week” because there are a lot of things to celebration. 

First, is the boyfriend’s birthday, then it was our one year anniversary (yes, I tend to remember things like that) and MY birthday!

Anyway, I organized a dinner with my usual girlfriends, the Rashingis (Joey, Sylvia and Kelsie), the AC (Whippy, James, Yuki, Lavena...sadly Yie and Ky couldn’t make it) and Yuki Rye to celebrate my birthday and also to welcome Sylvia’s boyfriend, Joe (he’s from the states). I brought the boyfriend along and those who had partners brought theirs. 

Dinner was at Capricciosa, Sunway Pyramid. I booked a table for 12. During dinner, everyone was catching up with each other; the boyfriend and Joe were talking about some “Call of Duty” stuffs I supposed while I was running around trying to take pictures with everyone. 

We were just hanging around in the restaurant and I was asking whether anyone wants to go somewhere else to grab dessert and then out of nowhere, the staffs from Capricciosa came from behind to surprised me with a birthday cake given by the Rashingis and AC’s! Actually I jumped in shocked because they caught me, surprised. After I blew out the candles, the group asked me to take the candles out from the cake using my mouth. Imagine the fear that someone might push my face right into the cake! I ate a few candle waxes here and there though...the cake was DELICIOUS.

After dinner we head down to Red Box for the most EPIC karaoke session! We actually sang out hearts out till 3 a.m.! Everyone dedicated a song to me and I never felt so blessed in my entire life! The funniest part was when the group decided to sing to me Happy Birthday (the Click Five) and they changed the lyrics here and there. We laughed, we screamed and we jumped inside the room. Everyone was having a blast. 

I have to personally thank the boyfriend was accompanying me for dinner and sending me back at the wee hours in the morning. Thank you love! I appreciated it so much! Sorry you had to blow your budget this month! 

Ah! I got so many lovely presents from everyone! The boyfriend gave me a 1 TB hard drive because he knew I was whining for one and never gotten the chance to get it. Though at first I suspected that he was getting me pepper spray! Thank you again!! 

A compact powder, eye liner and BB cream from Whippy, James, Yuki and I think Yuki Rye...and Yuki Rye gave me a lovely card too!

A blusher from Lavena.

A musical box from Joe and Sylvia.

Godiva chocolates from Kelsie.

Joey said that she will pass my present when she sees me the next time. Thank you all again for giving me such lovely presents and also the most epic birthday celebration ever!

I almost forgot to thank my parents and my godmother, Aunty Helen for giving me presents too! Parents gave me a purse and Aunty Helen gave me a little charm from Thomas Sabo. Thank you!! 

Chapter : Clearing My Head.

Lately I have been out almost every single day to meet the boyfriend or to hang out with my friends. Last week alone I have been out with the boyfriend almost every single day. We hung out to watch movies at the cinema or just merely hanging out...it was lovely.

Yesterday I was out with my girlfriends and it has been months since the four of us got together just to catch up with each other’s life. Sadly, one had to leave because she had deadlines so she went back to her office which was located right in the heart of town. 

One of our many discussions was hobbies, business and making monies. Well, best friend A always had the passion to sew and create things and was thinking of making a business out of it. Best friend B too had the passion to learn how to sew, create things AND also sculpting. So I just randomly suggested that both of them should just start a business together to sell their handicrafts once they polished their skills and I would just become their promoter. They actually considered it!

Well, I could say these are just ideas that we have in our head but it’s all up to us whether we want to pursue it and make it happen. True, there’s a HUGE risk to take, but if one is afraid of the risks, they wouldn’t succeed in life, no? Not sure whether I’m saying it right...

Remember the post on my quarter life crisis? I have been thinking a hell lot. How am I supposed to get some side income? Some said freelance, some said sell insurances and some said start your own business. Freelance, I’m not that confident with my current works hence I have been researching and trying to learn some tricks and trades that would help me enhance my skills. Hopefully I could polish my skills and be ready to take on some projects on my own.

Friends suggested me to sell insurances because I can bullshit a lot. Not sure whether they meant it in a good way or not. But I don’t want to sell insurances because I know how annoying it can be, constantly persuading someone into buying things when they don’t need it or already have.

Then it’s starting your own business...it’s not an easy task to do. You have to put in your heart and soul into starting something and hoping it will become something. Plus knowing what risks factors are out there sometimes puts you off. Best friend A said, "one must have the courage to be daring enough to just do it. You want to sell something, just do it. You must have the guts!"

To me, depending what kind of business you’re planning to venture into...first you must look out what competitors are out there. Then you must think of a way to make YOUR business stands out. What’s so different about it? What would attract customers to want your product or services? Well, there’s more of course...but with all these factors to think about, we must do heavy duty research. If not, it would shut us down instantly. 

I always like to joke to my friends who have a business proposal and they shared their ideas with me. If they have an idea of a business that they want to start, I would become their promoter and business partner. I would chip in some money for them to start it and would just help them promote their product or services to people because I said, "I can’t cook, sew, plant, sculpt, bake or any other fancy mancy things you guys can do. The only “tool” I have is my mouth. Hope that it would help somehow." Funnily enough, some actually considered my offer, saying, “Sure why not? We would love you to become our business partner,” or “Of course! You very good at talking!!!”

Sometimes I wish I had my mom’s sense of the business traits. Her side of the family are into business and stuffs like that. It actually makes me want to become their apprentice and learn from them. How in the world could they just think like that? How in the world they could be so ingenious?  Do their brains function differently from non-business people?

Oh well, these are just thoughts in my head. Maybe I should read more about them...the art of business, the art of investing, and the art of God-knows-what-else.

Man, I wonder whether my brain could take all these shits.

Chapter : Life Crisis?

Currently typing an entry at such odd hour...slept for a while and then I just couldn’t sleep anymore. Guess I have a lot of things going through my head these days, influencing me mentally, emotionally and physically. 

I feel like I’m going through some life crisis but I do not want to admit that I’m in it. I’m worried about my career path, my life and my future. Everything now seems so bleak. I guess I’m slowly learning the hard way of growing up. It’s kind of hard coming from a person who was sheltered and spoon-fed throughout her entire life.

I guess some could tell that something’s up with me. But as usual, being the person that I am, I always try to hide it. I was never the serious one. I’m always taking things as it goes, always laughing and not bothered about anything. But as you grow older, your responsibility grows bigger and you have to start growing up. Guess it’s time for me to start now....one step at a time and in hopes that I will have some guide to lead me the way.

People said that I’m a daddy’s or mommy’s girl because everything I answer, “I don’t know my parents said so or don’t know; I have to ask my parents...” Everything I do have to ask my parents. Well, I guess I take them to be my "life-guide" counselor because they are older and wiser but my parents are funny people. At times they will tell me the reason why, at times they don't. But these days, they do explain the reason why but was given some strict rules on what I should expose (Sounds like I have a lot of dark secrets) but please bear with me here. 

I remembered one college mate said to me, “Jessie, you’re actually a very good girl. You listen to your parents from head to toe. You try to be a bad ass, but you’re actually not.” And during that time, I was having a lot of arguments with my parents but I still obeyed their rules. Even my best friend, Joey said the same thing. Well, I guess it’s because it’s the way I brought up...

At times I will sit in my own little world, wondering what the future holds for me. But at this point now, all I see is just plain blur. The world is changing, people are changing, I’m not 18 anymore and I do know what responsibilities I have to bear. I can see my dad is slowly training me to take on the responsibilities given because like I have said, I’m the sheltered one...the biggest responsibilities was given to my elder sister and to my 21 year old brother at such young age. My sister have to bear showing a good example, being thrown all sort of things regarding about family, learning how to handles things when my parents are not around and many more. That’s why she is who she is today. As for my brother, my dad have never once let him live easy. Being tossed into a tough primary school, drilling that he has to be the man in the family or have to take the lead if anything goes wrong and exposing him to the outside world.

Unfortunately for me, I was given a small responsibility such as, be a good daughter, make sure get good grades, don’t fight with your sister and all those teeny little bits that anyone could handle while growing up. Now as I’m older, I’m learning about mortgages, bank loans, investments, bills, insurance, learning how to handle the family, basically tips on how to survive in this harsh and cruel world. It’s a lot to take in, but I’m trying my very best. At times I feel envious of my siblings because they managed to get these responsibilities at such young age to mould them to be who they are today whereas, I’m always being casted aside. It hurts at times, not knowing what’s happening in the family even though you’re the second eldest yet treated like one of the youngest. 

I remember my sister getting into an argument with my parents how they sheltered me, while she has to bear the responsibilities. I was pretending to be asleep that time but boy did I cry. Imagine sharing the room with your sister while she is having a heated argument with your parents in exact same room while eavesdropping and holding back tears or noise so they wouldn’t know that you’re listening or thinking that you’re a heavy sleeper. Because deep down you know that whatever your sister said is true. 

I know I’m not perfect. Nobody is...I’m juggling all these things together while trying to hold myself together. I may look like I’m not taking things seriously or not able to sit down and think it thoroughly but I do...maybe it’s just the way how I take things that make people think I’m not being serious. I’m always willing to learn to become a better and more responsible person. I admit, I’m stubborn and naive and always reverting to my old self, but I can’t change overnight. I’m taking small baby steps to grow and learn...we never stop learning as we grow. There are always new things out there that you do not know...my dad once said to me, "I know my faults and it’s hard for me to change, but I’m doing my best to change it and you have to bear with me. I know I’m not perfect, nobody is. If anyone is perfect, they would be a God."

Hey, who said life was easy?

Chapter : Mother's Day Ideas?

Since I’m pretty “hardworking” in updating my blog, I shall do another post. 

Mother’s Day is coming up and I haven’t been the greatest daughter. I haven’t been at home to dine with her nor talk with her. But the thing is, being the black sheep of the family kind of put you in that sort of...rank, you know? My almost all perfect sister or my all-rounder brother, but I can’t say for the youngest because he being the youngest makes him my mom’s precious child. So I’m pretty used to not getting any form of attention and now I have to give attention and was given some attention makes me feel trapped. Well, I do not know how to say it in words...but I do hope you get my meaning. 

I guess I’m the kind of individual that works better with strangers than family. I do love and care of them dearly just that I do not show it. I tried to show it but in the end it just feels awkward. Anyway, I tried to get my mom a gift and with my measly pay I’m getting at work, I can’t afford a lot of things. At first I saw this offer for a facial massage but my mom said that she does not trust products that she has never heard off because she has sensitive skin. Then I tried to get a mani and pedi session but she too does not want because of some “unforeseen” reasons. 

But she did say that she will inform me of what she wants later to me. I do hope it is something within my budget because recently this week I have been spending a lot just on parking alone because my usual parking spot was close for the week and they didn’t inform me! I was pretty upset with them so I had to park at this expensive place for the week. If they do not open again on Monday I would start taking the public transport. Anyway, I think my mom would wants to spend some time with me since I haven’t been doing at all for the past few months. 

Well, once in a while I would go out dinner with her or eat dinner at home with her but the thing is that we have nothing much to talk about. Unlike my sister who is a pharmacist, she gets to meet interesting people every single day and my brother who is still studying in Australia would probably have some interesting news to share. Unlike me, I face the computer every single day and never have the chance of seeing something that would interest my mom. Imagine me telling her, “Ma, did you know today on Reddit I read that Savannah cats has the loyalty like canines?” 

Seriously.

I could imagine her reply, “I don’t like cats. I don’t like animals.” Unless I start talking about Korean shows that interests her but there’s just a small problem. I haven’t been watching any! I think my mom is more up to date with the latest Korean series compared to me. How am I supposed to top that? Stream a shit load of past Korean series at work and watch it at one go just to strike a conversation? Damn, that’s desperate. Maybe I am. 

Well, I guess the only solution I could think of is bringing her and my youngest brother out for dinner and probably ask my godmom along too. But I’m open to any ideas for Mother’s Day gifts and please don’t tell me handmade cards because I have given her a shit load of cards growing up. I think she keeps them in a box somewhere collecting dust. My dad does it too...keeping handmade cards that his children made and gave to him.

So suggestions anyone?

Chapter : First Trip On My Own!

For the first time ever, I actually went for a trip with friends and also using my own money to pay for it. I had fun. I have wanted to go for a vacation for the longest time and luckily enough, my wish came true and best of all, it was at the beach!

Unfortunately, due to the recent natural disaster events in Japan, the weather has been crazy. Wasn’t much sun at the beach area...gloomy and the waves were so choppy that the boyfriend got sea sick on the way to the resort. He was looking a little green by the time he reached the resort though. I too was a little sea sick because the boat ride was so rocky...but I managed to hold all my puke in...

After resting for a while, the boyfriend and I head to the beach! Swam in the ocean, though I was told that the ocean was clearer years ago...but nevertheless still enjoyed myself playing in the waters. The waves were pretty big and strong and I lost count the number of times I was thrown off balance by the waves. 

I also went snorkelling for the first time, and the boyfriend was being really cheeky by throwing pieces of bread around me causing me to freak out because suddenly there were a lot of fishes swimming around me. Luckily the current was as strong that I imagined it would be...I managed to see the moray eel (which I was actually terrified to get close too...), garupa and the Christmas trees! I wouldn’t mind going snorkelling again.

The travel back felt really long because most of the time I was on the bus and on the boat. I felt really tired and sluggish by the time I reached home.

I wish I could go for another vacation again...but need to look for a time and save up enough money if I do ever want to have another get away again.

Chapter : Valentine's Day 2011

I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day and well, most of the time during Valentine’s Day I wouldn’t have anyone to celebrate it with. Normally during this day, I would be at home in front of my laptop or out with my girlfriends to celebrate it. But this year, my Valentine’s Day was different. I didn’t have a candle-lit dinner in some high class restaurant instead my Valentine’s was spent eating McDonalds in the office.

Originally the boyfriend and I were supposed to go out for some simple dinner because thinking that I would be finishing early. Unfortunately, the project I was working on had to do some changes so I had to leave later than expected. Thinking we could have a late dinner if I leave the office at 8pm but when I was working on the project I realized that I couldn’t make it so I gave the boyfriend a call. I told him that he had to get his own dinner but to my surprise, he said that he would come down to town to join me instead. I felt really bad because he had to drive all the way to town just to spend few moments with me eating McDonalds in the office and then driving all the way back.

Though the time we spent was really short, I was really happy to see him on Valentine’s Day. How was your Valentine’s Day this year?


PS: The boyfriend booked a Japanese buffet dinner to celebrate our belated Valentine's Day and it was the first time he ate Haagen Dazs ice-cream. 

Chapter : First Post of the New Year

Welcome to the year 2011! Quick updates on what happened to me last year.

1. Graduated with a Masters in Animation
2. Failed for the first time when completing my Masters
3. Met someone new
4. Got a job
5. Made more new friends
6. Stayed in the office overnight for two days straight
7. Managed to complete a project
8. Got my first pay check
9. Got a new car (2nd hand though but still!)
10. Got a Nintendo DS as a Christmas gift

These are few highlights that I can remember from the top of my head. If anyone asks, what my New Year’s resolution is, there’s only one.

NOT TO MAKE ANY RESOLUTIONS.

Because I know that I will never keep them or do them. For now, I’m taking things as it goes. Hopefully this year will be another great year!

Chapter : My Dad

Today is Australia’s Father’s Day. So this would be a short post…I think.

My dad has always played the “bad cop” role in the family. My siblings and I are scared shitless of my dad because he was the one that would discipline us whenever we did something wrong. Whenever one of us gets into trouble, he would grab his belt or cane and would whack us and the ones that were not in trouble hides in the room and pretend to be angels. I also remember the time that when we know that we would get a hell of a beating, we would run to our rooms, wear extra layers of clothing so the pain on our bums would be lessened. Before you go, “it’s child abuse!” I must say, it’s an Asian thing where parents hit their children. Have you not watch Russell Peters?

My dad is also very harsh with us when it comes to education. He believes that if his children receive good education, they would get better jobs in order to support themselves in the future. So whenever one of us fails an exam, we would be afraid to approach him to tell him our results. Well, mainly me because I was the least studious one…and I remember the one time when I failed my Math’s exam, he would ask me to do all the corrections on a piece of paper and he would look through it and then ask me to re-do it so I would remember not to make the same mistakes again.

Also, my dad isn’t the kind that forces his children to pursue something that they didn’t like so I was pretty grateful that my dad allowed me to pursue my interest in arts. I have friends that their parents weren’t supportive and forced them to do something that they didn’t like. Even though my dad doesn’t talk to us that much, but we know that he truly cares about us and takes personal note on our interests. For instance, my dad would find out whether he has friends in the animation industry and would ask to see whether they could offer me an internship or like he knows that my sister is into musical stuffs, he would buy all the musical CDs for her. 

I remember my friends would always say to me, “Jessie, your dad is so SCARY!!!” whenever they meet my dad for the first time because whenever they would greet him, he would just grunt in return. He always has this (what I call) the “bull dog” face because he is always looking so bad tempered. But I know, deep down that my dad is a softie at heart because once he is used to your presence, he would open up to you and talk to you more…he would tease you from time to time. But he is much better now because he can actually greet and talk to people and this was proven when my boyfriend met my dad for the first time and they talked a little and eventually my dad asked him to stay for dinner. Then when I asked him, “So, scared or not?” He replied, “Nope.” Or maybe my boyfriend has awesome people skills and is genuinely not afraid of anyone.

My dad can be pretty amusing at times because I remember when I broke up with my ex, he tried to give me a “talk” to tell me that there were many fishes in the sea and I shouldn’t be hung up over him and stuffs. I didn’t know what to react when he did that but nevertheless I was happy that he did. Also, when I found out that I failed my Masters, I cried shit loads and he would sit down with me, calm me down and said comforting words like everyone fails at least once in their lifetime. When my self-esteem was really down that time, he said this to me, “I know that you can do it, you just have to put your mind and work hard.” Those words gave me my confidence back and I managed to complete my resubmission on time.

So, to my dad, thank you for everything. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be the person I am today and even though I would get frustrated with you from time to time, I love you.

Happy Father’s Day.

Chapter : The Eldest

Being the eldest is hard. Well, I’m not speaking from experience, I’m speaking from observation. You see, being the eldest in the family requires a lot of responsibility. Not only that, if you are the first son of the family, you too bear a lot of weight on your shoulders cause you’re carrying the family’s name and stuffs like that, you know?

I have an older sister. Even though she and I are always not on good terms but nevertheless I still respect her. Lately she has been through a lot of pressure from work and other personal stuffs. She has to plan her wedding, pay bills (mortgages) and all the other things. Well, being the second eldest in the family, I don’t really get all the responsibilities but I still do have my share and stuffs. At times, I wished I could play a bigger role…

I’m used to be on my own when I’m at home, content with my laptop and shows that I have stored. Being branded “anti-social” by my family because I don’t talk much with them (it’s better now, I talk to them from time to time, mostly my mom) but it actually gives me a chance to observe my family. 

This is how I noticed that my sister is being through a lot lately. She may not tell it to me or my brother…but I know that she’s has a lot of weight on her shoulders. My mom said that she is adjusting to the life having to think about paying mortgages, and if she wants to start a family she too has to think about savings and stuffs. The only people she could tell her problems is her fiancé and best friends.

So, that’s why I try to help her out from time to time. The only thing that I could do is helping her out when she is preparing dinner and washing the dishes. Simple stuffs like that and also, try to not get in her way. But seeing her juggling her work life and her responsibilities makes me respect her a lot more. I remember the last time when I was way younger, I’m always quarrelling with her because she would always throw her temper at me when she’s in a foul mood and I would fight back. But now, I learned to be more tolerant and would just accept it. 

This is what I observed about being the eldest in the family…it may not be accurate.

1. Taking care all the younger siblings
2. Show good example to the younger siblings
3. Handle all the “affairs”
4. If the younger siblings are under your care, you bear full responsibility as the guardian
5. All family affairs will be discussed with YOU first then only to the younger siblings

Well…there are more but currently these were the few things on top of my head. So my sister has been bearing all these responsibilities and also with her long strenuous working hours as a pharmacist, she is still able fulfill her role as an older sister and daughter.

I hope that when I encounter these responsibilities in the future, I too will be able to handle it just like her.

Chapter : Nicknames

Growing up we all have been given nicknames by our parents, friends, lovers and foes. I in particular have accumulated a fair amount of nicknames since when I was a bald and toothless baby to the current “me” I am today. Funny how that some nicknames are related to our personalities and some are just based on our names or some just doesn't make sense. 

When I was a baby, my mom told me that everyone from my dad’s side of the family calls me “ham pao pao” which means crybaby (I also heard that it also meant hamburger but I don’t understand, speak or write Chinese so I’m going to follow what my mom told me). Well she said that I would cry at anything and everything. I would cry if my siblings bullied me, I would cry when I don’t get things my way, technically, like a small brat. Last time, I tend to cry quite easily but now I am able to laugh and cry at the same time, talk normally but tears would still stream down my cheeks. Those days, my parents would always say these same lines to me, “Every little thing also you cry. Little bit little bit also cry." At least I'm better now, I don't cry that easily unless provoked or have some sort of hormonal imbalance or something.

Remember that ONE time where Tamiya was such a HUGE fad? Every boy would be seen having one (well, most of the boys I knew owns at least ONE Tamiya car) and they would bring parts to “modify” their own cars so it would race faster and stuffs. Well, there was this one particular Tamiya car which was called “Shooting Star” and soon my primary school classmates started calling me that because my Chinese name is Su Ting (there were many others but let’s just choose the most famous one…) So throughout that period of time, my classmates would address me as Shooting Star instead of Su Ting and I actually answered to these name callings. Those were the days…

When I was Form 2, I shifted from Damansara Utama school to Taman Tun school. It was scary as I needed to start afresh, making new friends and it doesn’t help that my self-esteem was really low because the day before I started in the new school, I had the most disastrous and hideous haircut ever (now I will never ever cut my hair into a boyish hairdo no matter how much my mom says that I look good in it because I don’t.) Anyway, I managed to adapt myself to my new school pretty quickly and was making friends. Reaching Form 4, I was in the art stream and most of my friends were in the pure science or sub-science stream and I am only able to hang out with them during recess hour. This is where I started to get close to my Malay classmates and learn how to speak their “slang”. Then one of my classmates decided to call me, “Siti” (a common Malay name for a girl) because I was speaking Malay like an authentic Malay person and then started telling his friends to do the same. This particular joker also asked some of the teachers to address me as “Siti” too and the easy-going teachers actually did. That lasted for a while but now they don’t call me “Siti” anymore, they just shorten my name from Su Ting to “Sting”  (also pronounced as "Steng").

Then moving on college days, where I learnt that sleep was overrated. I don’t really recall when or how it happened, but my college mates started calling me “Pigeon”. If I’m not mistaken, it was because that they saw me fooling around imitating a pigeon call and said it sounded exactly like the real thing or maybe cause I keep making pigeon sounds…I’m confused. Till now, there are some that still calls me “Pigeon” and I answer to that nickname. My best friend, Joey calls me by one special nickname; she always calls me “Mangkuk”. It means bowl in Malay by the way and untill now, I don’t know why she calls me that but I find it amusing. It’s like this special bond we have created just between us.

Here are a few more…

1. alwizhyper – my ever famous nickname that I use in my emails and online games and much more. People said that I’m constantly hyper and always bursting with energy but as I get older…the energy is burning out.
2. Monkey – my boyfriend calls me that and at times Joey would call me that too. It’s because I make faces, talk nonsense, have a short attention span and very mischievious.
3. “Cina Murtad” – well, I’m not sure how to explain this because I think it varies overtime or something but what my friends told me last time (years back)…it means that a Chinese person that “changed” into a Malay person or a Malay person in a Chinese body (?). Will reconfirm this with my friends…

Well, I can’t think of anymore. So what’s yours?

Chapter : How I Met My Beau

A random entry for today since my brains is not working at the moment. Well, I feel slightly accomplished today as I managed to clean the room, wash the bed sheets and aired my pillow and blanket. Now if only I could keep this particular attitude when I’m doing my assignments…

A funny conversation I had with a friend of mine recently, she was asking me how I meet my current beau (I like to say beau at the moment cause it sounds much more fancier…) So I told her that I met him through a friend, though during that time we didn’t speak to each other as I had the moment of “all-men-were-evil” phase and we only exchanged his and byes or maybe we had a one-liner conversation before. I don’t remember… 

Then when I returned to Brisbane to complete my masters, I found him on Facebook and I thought to myself, “Hey, I recognize this person, let’s add him!” Then eventually he confirmed my friend request and he posted on my wall first wondering why I am not in the Rockband Tuesday anymore. So we started talking there and I thought he was the same as every single man out there in the world, pure evil with evil intentions…so I didn’t put that much effort in replying him and stuffs till we added each other on MSN. If you are wondering, “But you think that he was pure evil with evil intentions?! Why add him?” In my defense, I found him interesting…anyway, continuing on my story…

So, we started chatting on MSN every single day and I shared with him my webcam ONCE then the next day he surprised me by saying that he bought himself a webcam to chat with me. Now over here, everyone would probably say, “Awww, so sweet! He likes you!!” But in my mind, I was thinking, “Oh, cool! Now we can webchat we each other!” You see, even though that time I had feelings for him, but I’m always in denial thinking, “Nah, feelings? Like? I don’t think so! Maybe I had some huge ass dinner making me feel this way” OR “He likes me? Nah, he is just nice. He could probably use the webcam to chat with other people.”

This is where those who are my friends and hearing me say these things would whack me in the head and say, “Jessie, you stupid person.” It’s because when I told them that he invested in a webcam to chat with me and I find him very funny and stuffs and I could so imagine their faces when they replied, “Jessie, he likes you. Who in the right mind would suddenly invest in a webcam to chat with you? Plus, you guys barely know each other!” and I said, “Because I’m funny! That’s why! We sort of know each other…before this…you know, through a friend…but not really talking…I don’t know…” Thank goodness that when I was discussing these things to my friends it was on MSN, if not, I have no idea how many times they would whack me on the head for being dense and superbly in denial mode. 

During the frequent webchats and he asked me out on a date once (it was way before he invested in the webcam so bear with me because I know I’m getting my entire story mixed up here…) which you can read in this post…then I remember one time he said something to me which surprised me to the point that I didn’t know what to reply because I was taken aback by it. Bet he was grinning from ear to ear that time when he saw my “crap-I-don’t-know-what-to-say” face. Then eventually he confessed to me by writing on a piece of paper “I LIKE YOU” and showing it through the webcam which made me smile widely as I am now typing this entry. 

That’s about it...well, sort of the entire summary of how I met him. 

This is totally unrelated to the post, but my friend said to me when I was in denial mode with my feelings…

“Jessie, you know the song from Hercules the cartoon?”

“Which one? There were plenty…”

“The one where the girl sings that she isn’t in love with Hercules?’

“I think so, why?”

“It’s so totally you. But nevertheless, I’m happy that you’re happy!!” 

“Thanks…I guess.”

If you are wondering what the song is (It’s pretty famous.) Here’s the link for it. Enjoy.

Chapter : The Special Someone

I took a little break from the internet because I was accompanying someone throughout the entire time. This special someone came to Brisbane to see me and spend some time with me. Even though I was the one staying in Brisbane, he was the one bringing around to places I have not been before. He played the tour guide, I played the tourist. It was fun.

Back story, remember a little post I had called A Long Distance Date? Basically my date put together some stuffs for me to follow while I held a mug shot picture of him looking a little crazy because well,

1. I was holding a mug shot photo of my date
2. I was taking pictures with the paper that had the mug shot photo

Anyway, continuing the story, I completed everything that stated in there and send him the pictures that I took along the way as “proof” that I have actually completed the entire journey. That’s when everything all began, the webcam chats, the constant flirtations and the in denial mode that I was in and eventually we became an item. 

So, he came to Brisbane, I met his friends, he met with Sylvia though he was supposed to meet Kelsie but she decided to change her flight to a later date so he couldn’t meet her in the end…he met my father, sister, brother and my sister’s fiancé. My father asked him to stay for dinner on my birthday and my brother cooked for him. I guess that’s my birthday present from my brother…cooking for me and for him. 

We walked a lot. We hung out in the parks, sat on the Citycat (some ferry transportation…boat bus?) ate together, watched a movie together and loads more. It is fun to have spend some quality time with someone special again. But all these lovely moments have to come to an end. He just went back to Malaysia just this morning, I dropped him off at the bus station at 4 in the morning and now I have to focus on my studies all over again, resubmitting my master’s project and in hopes that I will do it better and pass it. 

Now it’s back to the webcam chats again and to end this entry, here’s the picture we took together at the Brisbane wheel. If you are able to see on my Facebook, the time where I held a mug shot photo of him at the Brisbane wheel here’s the couple shot. Enjoy!

From virtual to reality.